Funnies funnies funnies
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Where's Da Money?
This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired. He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000. from non-payers, however he was greedy and hid the money for himself. It did not take long for the mafia bosses to catch on, so they sent a couple of thugs and an interpreter to find the collector. They found him, took him to an abandoned warehouse and the two thugs told the interpreter to ask the collector,
“Where's da money?”
The interpreter signed to the collector and the collecter signed back,
“I don't know what you're talking about.”
The interpreter told them what he had said and one of the thugs pulled out a 38 revolver and stuck it in the collector's ear. He told the interpreter to ask the collector about the money again. The interpreter asked. The collector signed back,
“It's in a tree stump in Central Park 50 yards east of the main fountain!”
The interpreter tells the thugs,
“He said he still doesn't know what your talking about and you don't have the guts to pull that trigger!”
Moral of the story : If you are deaf and dumb, don't be a loan shark for the mafia. -
Read this joke out loud to yourself :
A milkman was delivering on his round when he came to an order which said, "45 pints of milk." Puzzled, the milkman decided to ask the person weather or not he/she had made a mistake. When he knocked on the door, a woman came out with just a bath towel around her. The milkman asked her if she had made a mistake but sure enough she wanted 45 pints.
"Milk baths are good for your skin," explained the woman.
"Oh, okay," said the milkman. "Do you want it pasturised then?"
"No," said the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine." -
Quickies R-Rated jokes
Why does a red light turn red?
If you had to change in front of everyone you'd turn red, too.
What is the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?
The girl in the church has a soul full of hope, and the girl in the bathtub...
What do you call a horny skeleton?
A boner!
What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with the light on.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I just got laid and now you expect me to get hard! -
The Facts of Life
A man walking his 11 yr old son in the park one day came upon two dogs humping. The son turned to his dad and asked,
“Dad what are those dogs doing?”
“Son I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…”
The father could not do it. He thought of all the questions his son would have. He tried again,
“Son them two dogs are…”
He stopped again and decided to wait until the boy is older.
“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.”
The son turned to his father and said,
“You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.”
“Do you know why that is, son?”
“Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.”
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What four words kill a man's ego?
Is it in yet? -
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer. -
I Enjoy Being a Girl
Every day I give thanks to the Goddess:
I have two mounds upon my bodice,
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
I can justify any shopping spree.
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon.
Can get a massage without a hard on,
Can balance the chequebook, pump my own gas,
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don't drive in circles at any cost,
So I don't have to admit when I am lost.
I don't act like I'm in a timed marathon,
Every time I go to the john.
Listen to me boys,
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys,
You love them more then we ever will,
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you're two hours late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the... score.
I won't lose my hair.
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear every day,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools.
I don't cheat at poker,
I follow the rules.
I don't smoke cigars.
Don't pay for drinks at bars.
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi."
And it's okay for me to cry.
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT,"
But compared to a woman,
You just ain't SHIT! -
Diary of a Blonde
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without
dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try and be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me ? why me ?". It has to be his job. -
Ladies hostel caught Fire.. it took 1 hour to bring the fire under
control ......... and another 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.
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Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind ?
Husband: That you are a lesbian.
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Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
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Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal & left
leg evening meal what would you prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals
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Nobody is ever satisfied,
Poor men wish they were rich,
Rich men wish they were handsome,
Bachelors wish they were married &
Married men wish they were Dead! =======!
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How do you teach a girl maths? Add a bed, subtract her clothes,
divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
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Lady : "I want a good vibrator";
Salesman: "Mam you may select one from our range that is displayed on that wall";
Lady : "O.K. I'll take that red one";
Salesman: "Sorry, that's our fire-extinguisher";
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A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child..
The mother said: "I gave birth to him he's mine";
The father said: "I put a coin in the pepsi machine and a can comes out - the pepsi belongs to me! not to the machine !!";
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A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy says 'thanks for the warning'
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A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"
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Definition of a Gynecologist: Someone who looks for problems where others look for pleasure!!!
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Man to wife on wedding night-"Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?'
"Of course honey,I stayed awake with all the others!'
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SARDAR TO A GIRL- Sunitha I want to marry you.
SUNITHA - But I'm a year older than you
SARDAR - Koi Baat Nahin! I\'ll marry you next year!
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WHAT DID GOD SAY WHEN HE CREATED THE FIRST NEGRO.
SHIT I BURNT ONE.... -
JUST A FEW CRAZY DIET TIPS to keep your day fun!! (to trust the source? You've gotta be crazy But its defintely a good way to comfort yourself with the following??!!)
I love my doctor!!! I sent an e-mail to my doctor and asked him some very detailed questions about health and nutrition. He had some excellent advice that I plan to follow.
Q1: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it .... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q2: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken! Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q3: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q4: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q5: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry! My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q6: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q7: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q8: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q9: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello..... Cocoa beans... Another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more thing... "When life hands you lemons.......... ask for a bottle of tequila and salt." Save our planet; it's the only one with chocolate!
Have a great day! -
The problem with Americans
The only seat available on the train from London to Paris was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.The weary traveler asked,
“Ma’am, please move your dog. I need that seat.”
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said,
“You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little FiFi is using that seat, No?”
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked,
“Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted,
“You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant... Imagine!”
The American did not say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly,
“You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window!” -
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services.
"My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
Moral of the story : Never judge a gift by it's appearance. It's the thought that counts -
What do you call a female sex change?
An addadictomy! -
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes! -
A contest was organized by "New Woman Magazine" on "Most Embarrassing Moments" as the topic.
The following are some of the few good embarrassing moments that magazine received from several women.
------- Curl Up and Die --------
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39,
Seguin, TX
------- Pad, please! -----------
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6 yr-old son to run and get me a pad.
He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman,46,
Winston-Salem,NC
------- Ho, Ho, Ho -------------
I was taking a shower when my 2 year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our X'mas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested that I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
------ Lady Golfer --------------
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several mins, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins,
31, Ferndale, MI
------ Nuts about You ----------
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34,
Ellerslie, MD
----- Na-na-na-na-nah! -------
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson;
Stafford, Virginia
------- Surprise! ---------------
It was the day b4 my 18 birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I will give her a nude piggyback ride to answer the phone.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
Tim Cahill,
Poughkeepsie, New York
------ Priceless ----------------
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moments stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER-SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
-------- Mom's Advice -----------
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she screamed.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." -
Rejected Army Slogans
"Kill All That You Can Kill"
"Shower With Men"
"Knock Up Foreign Broads"
"Cubicles Are For Wusses"
"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"
"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
"Beat Up Sailors"
"We Won't Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Office Politics Will"
"Play DoomÂ… For Real!" -
A trucker picks up a hitch-hiker... (Rated R)
A trucker picked up a hitch-hiker who climbed up in the cab and noticed a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asked the driver what the monkey is for. The driver said,
"I'll show you,"
And with that he hit the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey went down between the driver's legs, unzipped his pants, pulled out his unit and proceeded to give the trucker oral gratification. When finished, the monkey pulled out a tissue, cleaned the driver up, put everything back and jumped back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
"Yeah." The hitch-hiker said.
"You want to try it?" asked the trucker.
"Okay, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!" replied the hitch-hiker. -
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad!"
"What's he like?" the cop asked.
"Soccer, beer and women with big tits." the little boy replied. -
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them, too.
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A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
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A man was lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appeared to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replied,
"I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggled again to ask,
"Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replied,
"I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward nurse passed by and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what is wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse she was undaunted. She whipped back the blanket, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the blanket and announced,
"Nothing is wrong with them!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,
"Are my test results back?" -
Understanding Marketing
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends' approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition. -
Milking it (Rated R)
A woman and a baby were in the doctorÂ’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said,
“No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”
Funny Game