Funnies funnies funnies
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During a medical convention, this was overheard...
“Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have both of them looking for work in six weeks.” said an Israeli doctor.
“That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.” countered the German doctor.
“In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.” topped the Russian doctor.
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, said,
“You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for two years, and now 2 million more people are looking for work.” -
News Flash!
Fears of an Iraqi father today when the US ships started firing their Tomahawk missiles.
"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.
Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son.
Only the slim hope of finding Al Hussein kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Al! Al!" he whispered to himself.
He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did.
Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He could not understand how this could have happened.
There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out,
"Al!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son.
"Yes, Father," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for prayers," the man sighed, "and, for Allah's sake, clean up this room!" -
Late one night in the deserted CBD, a robber wearing a ski mask mask ran to the driverÂ’s window of a luxury car and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Get out of the car and give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the obviously affluent man replied,
"You can't do thisÂ… I'm a Minister of the Government!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
- Life is short... laugh more... -
Warning... read with care.
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management -
Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''
Clem: ''What did thief do then?''
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!'' -
Laxative Cough Therapy
Fanny works at a local Guardian pharmacy and she always gets the orders wrong. Her boss told her if she screws up one more time, she is fired.
One day an old man walked in and ordered cough syrup. Fanny could not find any so she gave him a laxative instead. The man took the laxative and left the store. The boss came up and asked,
"Fanny, why did you gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup?"
Fanny pointed towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a signpost and said,
"Look at him... he's afraid to cough." -
Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" -
Romantic Pink Slip
Dear __________________________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. AMEN!
__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
__ The fact that you categorize the Survivor or any reality show as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, -
The Surrogate Father
The Lims had no children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Lim kissed his wife and said,
''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Lim cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Lim, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Lim.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Lim exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
''This was done on the top of a bus at Orchard.''
''Oh my god!' Mrs. Lim exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.''
The photographer handed Mrs. Lim the picture.
''She was difficult?'' asked Mrs. Lim.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Botanical Gardens to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Lim, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.''
Mrs. Lim leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on yourÂ… eh... equipment?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
“Tripod?” Mrs. Lim looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam... Good Lord, she's fainted!'' -
Writing's Powerful Message
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. -
Why did the boy scout get kicked out?
He was caught eating a brownie! -
What did the bra say to the hat?
"You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."
Essential Army Stealth Equipment
Why do US Marines wear condoms in the Gulf?
So the Iraqi enemy doesn't seem them coming!
A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said,
“Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind.”
“Dad, I'm over here.”
This old couple was ready to go to sleep so the old man laid on the bed but the old woman laid on the floor. The old man asked,
''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''
"Because I want to feel something hard for a change." The old woman says, -
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Q. Why can't Bill Clinton work at KFC?
A. He can't keep his hands off the breasts and thighs
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns! -
Finally, something other than smiley faces....
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
o o a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) breasts with tassled pasties
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
|oo| android breasts -
-
Heaven and Hell - Rated R
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said,
''St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!''
''My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven.'' St. Peter said.
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said,
''Are you sure I'm in the right place?'
''My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!'' -
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway." -
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has every thing, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
"I have an idea!" His friend said, "Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said,
"Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!" -
What's another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement. -
Benefits of Being Female
* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.
* Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like complete idiots in ours.
* We can be groupies.
* Male groupies are stalkers.
* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Free drinks.
* Free dinners.
* We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.
* We know the truth about whether size matters.
* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
* Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
* It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
* We don't fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
* If we have a pimple, we know how to conceal it.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
* Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
* Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra. -
Dating vs. Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy?"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone?"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
Words of wisdom...
"A guy should treat every day like a date to your girlfriend." -
Phone rings and Indon maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing...
When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied: "MASTUR BATING."
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A black guy & white girl met at a nite club.
She took him to her apartment & said: "tie me to the bed & do what black men do best!"
So he ran off with her TV & DVD player...!
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Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
Husband: "I wish you are a newspaper TOO my dear...so can have a NEW ONE every morning!"
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A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: "U look so weak &
exhausted! Are u eating ur meals 3X a day as I advised?
Lady: "Doc, I thought u said 3 males a day!"
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A camel & an elephant met & elephant asked: "Why do you have your tits on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!"
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-
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands By Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”
FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”
ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”
POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”
GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”
TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”
KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”
CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”
ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”
SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”
YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”
INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”
ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”
CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”
SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”
SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”
MEXICO
“What's that smell?”
SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”
RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”
UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”
GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”
JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”
AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”
AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?” -
Why E-Mail Is Like a Penis
Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-Mail Envy."
It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
If you play with it too much, you could go blind.