Jokes, Puns and Funny Pics/Quotes etc III
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I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have
nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said ...."Come on over,
there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came
off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat
kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid
who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we
could... But he pulled through."
I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was
born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll
ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can
hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how
big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with
me?" he said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some
rest. -
Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'
Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Heck no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.'
The old lady fainted. -
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say,
"Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant." -
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he could not tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." the weatherman replied. -
For parents of newborns... you don't have to understand what they are saying anymore... just apply the below.
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine. -
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked,
"Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!" -
Your Tax dollars at work
Once upon a time the government had a vast ammo dump in the middle of a secret location in Singapore.
Govt said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then Govt said, "
"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Govt said,
"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Govt said,
"How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people. Then Govt said,
"Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then Govt said,
"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,"
So they laid off the night watchman. -
Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic! Captain Bravo bellowed,
"Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
"If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." The captain replied.
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted,
"Get me my brown pants." -
Why Star Wars is better than Titanic
* The Titanic is big, but it does not have hyper-drive.
* Yoda could have used the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
* Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material. Rose is just marriage bait.
* Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
* It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a light-saber as opposed to a handgun.
* Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
* We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people & blows up planets for fun.
* Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? *Note: Is this a scary premonition: Anakin DeCaprio?
* Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
* There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
* If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
* Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
* Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
* Han Solo would have steered clear of that stinking iceberg!
* We knew the boat was going to sink. But who could have anticipated Vader saying, "Luke... I am your father"?
* Storm-troopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a minor character.
* When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a fool of himself at the Oscars.
* Titanic morals: 1) gamble, 2) cheat on your husband, 3) pose nude for pictures, 4) premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated, 5) let undesirables drown.
Star Wars morals: 1) fight evil, 2) do good, 3) respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, 4) rescue princess, 5) save planet. -
Primate Committee Thinking Experiment
(Don't try this with your own apes.)
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Turn off the cold water.
If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
Sound familiar? -
Sometimes ladies do say the whole truth...
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.[/b] -
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said.
"Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
(I guessed it's just a habit not recogised by those pastors)
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Altered Egos?
Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student
Merlyn Streep: professional magician
Sean Cannery: manager, fish-packing plant
Splint Eastwood: respected osteopath
Bette Fidler: skilled symphony musician
Marlon Brandy: maker of fine liqueurs
Jackie Masonry: journeyman bricklayer
Draw Barrymore: portrait artist
Leanardo de Cappuccino: founder, coffee-shop chain[/b] -
For SW fans only
The fight between good and evil, an epic battle: Darth Vader and Luke. Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth Vader pulled Luke to him, and whispered,
"I know what you're getting for Christmas!"
"But how?!" Luke exclaimed
"It's true Luke (breathe) I know what you're getting for Christmas."
Luke trief to ignore this, but tore himself free, screaming,
"How could you know this?!"
"I felt your presents." Vader replied. -
Phobic Phobias
You must read the words out loud then you can get the meaning.
Amathophobia: The fear of dust.
Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started.
Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!
Androphobia: The fear of men.
Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.
Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings.
Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"
Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.
Genuphobia: The fear of knees.
Graphophobia: The fear of writing.
Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.
Iophobia: The fear of rust.
Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.
Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.
Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.
Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.
Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack.
Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.
Pognophobia: The fear of beards.
Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next. -
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the smell of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt
reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!! -
During my buddy's training days at the SMM, he was trained on using CPR. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed by the specialist, my buddy gently shook the doll and asked,
"Are you all right?"
He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed,
"She said she can't feel her legs!"
And my buddy have his weekends burnt for the rest of the course.
Some instructors just don't have a funny bone in them. -
Mechanic vs. Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic (suffering from a sudden illusion of grandeur) straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix them, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running!" -
Tongue Twisters.
Guys, wanna make sure your mate does'nt leave you... practice the below daily
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Knapsack straps.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
A bitter biting bittern
Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern
Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,
Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
Inchworms itching.
A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
The myth of Miss Muffet.
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw! -
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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"Can I go outside and play with the boys?" A little girl asked her mother.
"No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." Her mother replied.
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" -
In thailand every thai will have a saying...
"Love Me...Love My King...."
So I told my tour guide...well in singapore its abit different...
"Love Me....Love the Fines and Tax in Singapore!!" -
Hot Air: IT Vs Management:
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." -
What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and
women are crazy for it?
Money!!!
***
Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
***
Actual Ads seen in newspapers:
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00. -
A little corporate humor
----------------------
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a
spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the
menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random
thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too,
sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room,
and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in
their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask,
"Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some
Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and
after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons
drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a
frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all
our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our
trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra
man-hours per shift.
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind
him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from
his pocket.
"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen
instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our
orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes
darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when,
out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread
protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I
had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters
& busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he
could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or
what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that
observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time
in the Men's room, too." "How's that, I asked?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves,
we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby
eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom
by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through
the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you
pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I
use the spoon in my pocket"!