Jokes, Puns and Funny Pics/Quotes etc III
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Indian vs Chinese movies
Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies
1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.
2. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine(vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.
3. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.
4. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from god-knows-where and joins them in the dance.
5. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy who he is up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle and so forth.
6. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud Between sentences) are No Problem!, My God!, Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!, please forgive me!
7.They drop down on grounds and roll and roll while singing and come out with different clothings.
8.They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyes-lid, and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.
Things You Would Never Know Without Chinese Swordsman Movies
1. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young, and the hero will orphan.
2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manage to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and declared dead.
3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across distances without any sweat. But when travelling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.
4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have golds and silvers with them to pay for their dishes.
5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.
6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.
7. They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots) -
Hahaha. Ya man that sleeve trick I can never understand.
They fly and martial for like hours and days and then ingots never slip or drop. Man even a normal person's underwear would have dropped by then. -
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said,
"Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"
"I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said,
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see," he said.
"Okay," she said and she pulled up her skirt,
He looked and said,
"That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
"I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and gizzard!!" she said. -
A meeting was going on for hours to give a unique building a appropriate name. As the meeting bear no fruit, they decided to call in some refreshments. Twenty minutes later, 3 caterers brought refreshments into the room. After laying out the refreshments, the 3 caterers cannot help but notice the scale down model of the building that was sitting in the center of the meeting table. So out of curiosity the caterers asked them some questions which created a great impact in giving such a unique building an appropriate name.
And the questions are as followed :
1st caterer : Explain leh, why the roof have so many triangular protrusions?
2nd caterer : Explain leh, why the building look like a pair of housefly's eyes?
3rd caterer : Explain leh, why the roof looked like durian?
Suddenly the CEO shouted : I think we should call this building "The Esplanade"
So "The Esplanade" is actually the singlish.
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Check out the Steamboat Baby @ www.steamboatbaby.com/animation/beach/the beach.htm
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I
come again and pee twice.Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella "Mississippi". -
An English teacher at local JC spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She was not sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Lin?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the smart-alec student tried again,
"What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?" -
Scientists in China have recently performed the first successful cloning of a human being.
Unfortunately, the DNA donor for the cloning had Turrets Syndrome. As a result, the clone exhibited the same characteristic swearing tendencies as the donor.
The lead scientist for the project recently admitted taking the clone to the roof of the science facility and pushing him to his death. This, due to the incessant profanity which the new clone used.
The scientist has been charged with making an obscene clone fall. -
For Star Trek TNG fans and Bill Gates 'supporters'
[Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
[Geordi] "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]
[Riker looks puzzled.] "What the heck is 'Microsoft'?"
[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
[Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
[Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
[Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
[Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
[Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
[Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
[Riker] "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
[Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
[Picard] "Data, what does your scanner show?"
[Data] "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
[Picard] "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. . Two Hours Pass . . .
[Riker] "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
[Geordi] "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
[Picard] "How much time will that buy us?"
[Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
[Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
[Picard] "Identify."
[Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
[Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
[Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
[Riker] "Good God, captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
[Data] "I don't believe that those are humans, sir--if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases and wearing Armani suits"
[Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers !!"
[Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
[Data] "True, but apparently some must have survived."
[Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'--it often proves fatal."
[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
[Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch--not even the Borg deserve that." -
If your room-mate irritates you... why not try this...
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name is not Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied,
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
"Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now.
"Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring.
"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded,
"Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she was not.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said,
"Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
*Click* -
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. -
Ole it to thy Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead! -
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark:
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" -
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she was not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the park ranger in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the ranger.
"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment." -
No luggage please...
A rich man was near death, and was saddened because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth along. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him.
"Sorry," the angel said, "but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might make an allowance. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man got his largest suitcase, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" The man explained to St.
Peter that he had permission, and told him to verify his story with God. St. Peter checked and came back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
He opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind, and exclaimed,
"You brought PAVEMENT?" [/b] -
The teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still did not want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It was not any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced,
"These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said,
"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She did not know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said,
"Now, where are your mittens?"
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..." he said. -
If you can,
- start the day without caffeine,
- get along without pep pills,
- always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
- resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
- eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
- understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
- overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
- take criticism and blame without resentment,
- ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him/her,
- resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
- face the world without lies and deceit,
- conquer tension without medical help,
- relax without liquor,
- sleep without the aid of drugs,
- honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are ALMOST as good as my dog. -
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 1
in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or
378 million according to the population reference bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times that normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even NINE of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000
tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's
atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his
bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's in pretty bad shape now. -
Maths Lesson
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. – Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for
him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." -
Reuters, New York
People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS)
announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and crashed for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.
We know alternatives to this horror exists, He said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing. -
Office Jokes
Quote from a recent meeting:
"We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done."
Quote from the Boss:
"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work:
"The beatings will continue until morale improves."
A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:
"I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
Human Resource Manager to job candidate:
"I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." -
1. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
2. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
3. A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
4. A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them
world wide.
5. A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
6. A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported on the numbers
7. AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
8. A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now
wants RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that
comes from recycled cows.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
9. A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu. -
Great one to pull on your co-workers or classmates... but make sure they can take a joke.
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.
She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type,
"Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced.
"What the . . . " the teacher said.
"I said leave me alone!" I typed.
The kid got real upset.
"I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
P.s. I pulled this prank on my co-worker sitting next to me using a trojan-virus called Girlfriend. I can create all kinds of error message windows on her pc by using the controller Boyfriend. As our IT dept was quite understaffed, she often ask me for advise. I told her the best she can do is to save everything and restart. It started as a prank but then I put it to good use. Everytime I see her stress at getting no where to reach the balance with her spreadsheet, I send her the error message...
“PC severely segmented, please run defrag.”
Then she can chill while the pc does a defrag.
-=+=-
Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective."
Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa."
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)
-=+=-
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." -
Nanosecond everyone knows... but what about the below...
ohnosecond = The moment you hit send on your e-mail and wish you could go into your computer and take it back.
-Janis Liebold -
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
"I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver for a little while and see if you can create enough of a breeze to give him a little relief!"
"Sure, Kemosabe." Tonto said and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asked,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood again, and claimed,
"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looked him in the eye and said...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."