Jokes Galore II - The Return of the Joker.
-
One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig.
The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir,
but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time
my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen
and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the
pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."
"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said the man.
"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't.
The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar.
If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."
"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."
"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I
was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me
and led me to where he was."
"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man
said quite annoyed at this point.
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special...
you have to eat 'em real slow." -
So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says,
"If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."
He then grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs,
we could get rid of the chickens."
The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says,
"And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother!" -
The blonde says to her friend, "My boyfriend has the worst dandruff."
Her friend says, "You should give him Head and Shoulders."
The blonde thinks for a minute and replies -
"how do you give shoulders?" -
A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. -
MACINTOSH stands for...
Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs. -
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ
of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six
times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that
is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of
this!" With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to
say to you.
"One, you have not studied your lesson.
"Two, you have a dirty mind.
"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." -
Dad, can I ask you something?
Sure! What about?
You see, I'm already fourteen and...I think it's just proper that I should
own one.
And what is this 'one' you're referring to?
Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?
No!
My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.
Nope!
It will be just proper at my age...
I said no way...!
But all of my friends wear...
Timmy! How many times do I have to tell you that bras are for girls!? -
A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and
they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel
Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do
something before they could go anywhere.
He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel
grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in
pain, and was sent downstairs.
Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and
squeezed but nothing happened.
When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said, "This is the
type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands". -
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she
has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted
and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail
grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at
the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the
ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is
mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the
Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off. -
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To
be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your
wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with
this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do
it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the
FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in
the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The
man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he
said.
The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI
you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the
next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man
took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence,
then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks,
so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!" -
One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class
that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who
answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the
beach?" needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: "How many stars are in
the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides
that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day
weekend.
So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black.
The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the
day just when the teacher says, "here's this week's question," Johnny
empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the
front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of
class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, "ok, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!" -
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking female parrots, but They only say "Hi, we are
prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"
"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "Bring your two talking female
parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking
parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will
teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female
parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are
Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE
BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!" -
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma's house when all of a
sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!
"Red Riding Hood, I'm going to eat you!" he growls.
"Eat, eat, eat," says Little Red Riding Hood.
"Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
*******************************************
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma's house when all of a
sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!
"Red Riding Hood, I'm going to fuck you!" he growls.
Little Red Riding Hood pulls a gun from her bag, points it at the wolf and
says, "No you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says!" -
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it,
held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held
it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little johnny. The
teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with
her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," little johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little johnny replied, "A puppy!" -
Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on
inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your
PC be?
Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.
They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.
A better model is just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you get them home.
It's always essential to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having one is the games you can play.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out at night.
Size does matter.
But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.
They're oh so picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.
They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
Small talk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Miss a period and they go wild. -
GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK
1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got
real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well
soon"...but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the
tire....I found your cat...Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a
bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they
find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the
bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about
your wife though... She's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have
installed... Win'95.
9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that
case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next
time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife. -
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I
don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my
mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips,
she says, "Hello...Mom?" -
Johnny (age
comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all
afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played
baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor.
They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny
so they ask Johnny.
"How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"
He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets
from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."
His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if
you and Betty have a baby?"
Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..." -
If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems
to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly
in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ..........$1.00 -
Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations
during one of the breaks.
First surgeon: "I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my
team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he
does the work of five guys."
Second surgeon: "That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin
fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My
team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those
few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he
now runs the entire plant by himself!"
Third surgeon: "Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White
House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a
plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole
around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire
country out of work!" -
"CLUES"
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, I feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn't maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
*******************************************************
Answers:
1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney -
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my father was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF" the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said " I want a wall around Afganistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF" there was a huge wall around Afganistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with Water."
*****
Creative writing skills....
Phua Chu Kang was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10.
This is what he came up with...
"1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. After I saw couple, couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me but I run until I 6 and throw up. I chabot into 7 eleven to hide and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I get 9 and try to stab him. And 10 hor ... 10 hor ... he die lor.
So, I put the 9 back and pay the girl for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5. Tomorrow also don need to come back 4 work. He also ask me to climb a 3 and jump. I don understand, I nice 2 him but I don know what he 1 -
Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words.
>
> *Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
> *Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
fool on the other.
> *Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students
> without passing through "the minds of either".
> *Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
> *Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.
> *Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.
> *Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
> *Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
> *Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
> *Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
> *Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually
do.
> *Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide
that nothing can be
> done together.
> *Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
> *Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
> *Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of
when dead.
> *Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.
> *Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway
"See I am not injured yet."
> *Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
> *Father : A banker provided by nature.
> *Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got
caught.
> *Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.
> *Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.
> *Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
bills. (spoken like true
> Pharmacist!!....) -
There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The
doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.
The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
"I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said
"I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".
After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear". -
Two friends in a Bar:
JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?
JOE: Er..., when I clean myself off with the curtains.