Jokes Galore II - The Return of the Joker.

• Xavier

  2 Dec 02, 19:55

  Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger.
  The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.
  
  "You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband..."I'm going to kill you!"
  
  "Wait!, said Mrs. Jones".
  You know that fur coat I got last winter?
  Well, he gave it to me.
  
  And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's?
  Well, he gave it to me.
  
  And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home
  one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me.
  
  After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims...
  
  "For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here."
  "Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"
  
• Xavier

  2 Dec 02, 19:55

  Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer
  sees Dum throwing away half the nails.
  
  "Hold it!", says Dummer."Why are you throwing all those nails away?"
  "Because.", says Dum. "The heads are on the wrong end."
  
  "You dummy!", replies Dummer... they are not."
  Those are just for the other side of the house!"
• Xavier

  2 Dec 02, 19:56

  The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet,
  when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.
  
  "Aw, go on," the little old lady said in disbelief, "if you can grant three wishes,
  let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?"
  
  The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold.
  Her face lighting up, the lady said "I really get two more wishes?"
  
  "Yes", the good fairy assured her. "Anything your heart desires."
  
  "Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman."
  Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted.
  
  "Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man."
  
  The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true,
  and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping.
  
  The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured...
  "Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?"
  
• Xavier

  2 Dec 02, 19:58

  So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the
  pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says, "Next!"
  
  He asks the first nun, "Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this:
  Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"
  
  The first nun says, embarrased, "Well, I was a nurse for a while,
  Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time..."
  
  St. Peter says, "No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there
  fountain of holy water, and go right in!" So the nun washes her hands,
  and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.
  
  Then St. Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"
  The second nun says, embarrassed, "Well, once I was trying to convert some people,
  and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen..."
  
  "Not to worry!" laughs St. Peter. "Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water
  over there, and you're set!" So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open,
  the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.
  
  Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. "Have you ever come in cont..."
  Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! "Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!"
  
  "Be patient, child, you'll have your turn," says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again.
  "Now, have you ever come in contact with..."
  
  "Mr. PETER!!!!" The fourth one screams. "I REALLY have to go first."
  "I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!"
  
  "NO WAY!" the fourth one says, practically fuming. . .
  "I'm not gonna wash out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!"
  
• Xavier

  2 Dec 02, 19:59

  There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked
  this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
  
  So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No,"
  he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
  She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
  He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
  
  So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
  When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
  "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
• CloneMe72

  3 Dec 02, 12:26

  In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
  
  A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
  “Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”
  
  There was a fish in the water thinking,
  “Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him.”
  
  There was a bear on the shore thinking,
  “Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him.”
  
  It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.
  “Gosh,” he thought, “if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch.”
  
  You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.
  
  A wee mouse by the hunterÂ’s foot was thinking,
  “Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”
  
  A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time.
  “Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch.”
  
  The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...
  The fish swallows the fly...
  The bear grabs the fish...
  The hunter shoots the bear...
  The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
  The cat jumps for the mouse...
  The mouse ducks...
  The cat falls into the water and drowns.
  
  The moral of the story is....
  Whenever a fly goes down three inches...
  Some pussy is probably in danger.
• jAnY

  4 Dec 02, 08:41

  At a catholic gathering, Mother superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying:
  
  "Take only one apple please - God is watching."
  
  On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a student had placed a sign on saying:
  
  "Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."
  
• jAnY

  4 Dec 02, 08:42

  An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
  
  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
  
  The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
  
• jAnY

  4 Dec 02, 08:47

  Being over educated my verbose translations are seldom understood by regular people...here's the poem I teach my 4 year old... my way.
  
  scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific.
  fain, would i ponder thy nature specific.
  loftily poised in the ether capacious,
  strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
  
  [translation]
  
  twinkle, twinkle, little star.
  how i wonder what you are.
  up above the world so high,
  like a diamond in the sky.
  
• jAnY

  4 Dec 02, 21:30

  It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
  
  "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
  "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"
  the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
  
  One week later, he called the National Weather Service again,
  
  "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
  "Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
  
  Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
  
  "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
  "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
  "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
  The weatherman replied, "The Indians on the remote reservation are collecting firewood like crazy."
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:12

  Stress Reliever # 1
  
  Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
  Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
  picture and the problem disappears.
  Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
  Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
  there be greater than this one?"
  _____________________________________________________
  
  Stress Reliever # 2
  
  Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
  lighten your burden.
  Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
  troubles.
  Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
  ___________________________________________________
  
  Stress Reliever # 3
  
  Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give
  up my seat to a lady.
  Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
  Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
  _____________________________________________________
  
  Stress Reliever # 4
  
  Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the
  night?"
  Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
  Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
  Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
  
  _____________________________________________________
  
  Stress Reliever # 5
  
  A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
  hadn't left me a fortune?"
  "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO
  LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
  
  _____________________________________________________
  
  Stress Reliever # 6
  
  Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
  Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
  
  _____________________________________________________
  
  Stress Reliever # 7
  
  "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
  "Terrible!" the roommate answered.
  "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
  Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
  "He was the original owner."
  
  _____________________________________________________
  
  Stress Reliever # 9
  
  A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
  "My father grows beans," said one student.
  "My father cooks beans," said another.
  Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
  
  _____________________________________________________
  
  Stress Reliever # 10
  
  Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
  millionaire?"
  Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
  Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
  her?"
  Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:15

  It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun,
  Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way
  the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to
  look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told
  her to do, and pray.
  
  The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
  night bath had gone.
  
  "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.
  "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun
  "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
  and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs
  where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
  "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
  
  Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit
  my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured
  of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven
  into my lock."
  "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
  "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful
  and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
  And it did, it felt so good being saved."
  
  "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun...
  "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:16

  A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
  
  At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.
  The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.
  
  "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.
  "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
  
  Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.
  The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
  
  "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is,
  but what's that pop every so often?"
  
  "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide.
  "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
  
  "Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.
  
  "Very true, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:17

  An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home
  in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife,
  "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take
  a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die."
  
  That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later
  they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights
  in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.
  
  When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck.
  Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place."
  
  When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven.
  There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere.
  But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights
  flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.
  
  A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed
  the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed.
  They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde
  you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.
  
  The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma!"
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:19

  The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:
  
  "All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question
  and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!"
  
  All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up.
  
  "Miss! Miss!" called Johnny.
  "Write it down, Johnny!" said the teacher.
  " ... But Miss! Miss! Miss!" Johnny intoned.
  
  "I said write it down!" exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.
  "Miss! Miss!" called Johnny once more.
  "Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?"
  
  "Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?"
  "No!" said the startled teacher.
  
  "Then I have definitely shit myself!"
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:20

  After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced
  the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:
  
  1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
  2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
  3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
  4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
  5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
  6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
  
  Conclusion:
  The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:20

  A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.
  
  The owner, a bit outraged, says -
  "Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place.."
  
  A bit bewildered, the guy answers -
  "But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here."
  
  The owner quietly replies:
  "Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!"
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:21

  Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.
  At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your
  motorcycles have changed the world.
  As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
  
  Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
  
  The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces
  him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
  God says, "Ah, yes."
  
  "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
  1. There's too much front end protrusion.
  2. It chatters at high speeds.
  3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
  4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
  
  "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
  God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
  The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
  
  "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson,
  "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours!"
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:22

  A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked
  in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00".
  
  She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive,
  so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"
  
  "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned
  some bad language, so nobody seems to want it."
  
  How bad could it be?, the woman thought.
  Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird.
  She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.
  
  The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!"
  "Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad."
  
  Then the woman's two daughters came home from school.
  "Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"
  
  Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either.
  Then the woman's husband came home from work.
  
  "Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:23

  Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur),
  "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
  
  So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
  The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
  The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
  
  The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur),
  "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
  
  The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly
  be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of
  the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and
  hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
  
  The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
  
  The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him,
  and throws him out into the street.
  
  The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur),
  "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
  
  In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'
  
  The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:24

  A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional.
  His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.
  
  The door opened and a man entered.
  "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," he began. "I have stolen."
  
  The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.
  
  The next time the door opened, a woman walked in.
  "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner."
  
  The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it.
  He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady -
  "What does Father John give for a blow job?"
  
  "$12.50 if I take me teeth out."
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:25

  Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.
  
  One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex.
  And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildol in his hands.
  
  Sue yelled "you impatient fucker! You lying son of a."
  
  Bob stopped her and said, "I'm a lying son of a bitch? -
  Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?"
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:27

  There was a little red man who lived in a little red house on a little red street
  in a little red town. Now this little red man wanted to take a little red shower
  so he put his little red towel on the little red towel rack. Just as he was about
  to get in, the little red doorbell rang.
  
  So he put his little red towel around his little red waist and went to the little
  red door. He opened the little red door and there stood a woman. Just then
  a big gust of wind came and blew the little red towel away.
  The woman screamed, ran accross the road and got hit by a car.
  
  The moral of the story?
  Never run accross the road when the little red man is flashing.
  
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:28

  A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan,
  when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
  same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
  
  He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of
  our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
  
  They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
  Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard
  and were swimming to the safety of the shore.
  
  The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,
  Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
  At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
  
  "Look," she said, "I went along with the blowjob -
  but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"
• Xavier

  4 Dec 02, 22:31

  Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
  
  Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings,
  they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  
  If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos..
  you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
  
  Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
  Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
  
  Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
  A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
  If at first you don't succeed, try management.
  Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
  TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
  Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
  Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
  Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
  When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
  INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
  Succeed in spite of management.
  Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.