Jokes Galore II - The Return of the Joker.
-
The following are the top winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine" :
Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld
Priceless
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." -
-
At a beauty pageant
Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ
in your country?
Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in
America are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a
woman........ (Applause! Applause!)
Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ
in your country?
Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very
own Bullfight or Toro Bull
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an
opening. (Applause! Applause!)
Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male
organ in your country?
Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in
our country are like gossip or rumours.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth.
(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause!
Applause!)
Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in
your country?
Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are
like thieves.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back
door. (Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter!
Applause! Applause!)
Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ
in your country?
Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are
like labourers.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms India: Because it works day and night......
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!
Applause! Applause!)
Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male
organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that male organs in
Malaysia are like Proton car.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft.
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause!
Applause!)
Question: Ms Singapore, how do you describe a male
organ in your country?
Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in
Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and
leave 15 minutes before the show is over.
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!
Applause! Applause!)
WELL!!! WELL!!!WELL!!! -
So, the owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning
heavily against the wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall"?
The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle
of laxative".
The owner yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives"!
The clerk says, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough"! -
From Southpark to Who's line is it?
http://www.comedycentral.com/index.jhtml -
Funny but meaningful quotes
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Steven Wright
I never bother to memorize anything I can look up. - Albert Einstein
Out of woman comes a man; spends the rest of his life getting back while he can. - Peter Gabriel -
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. -
A woman was going to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her to have a good trip. The wife answered,
"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughed and said, "An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picked her up in the airport and asked,
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for... the English girl?
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl."
Beware of what you ask for, you might get it.
-
What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference! -
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a**hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! Who did she play for?" -
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong!
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
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TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!
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TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
ToMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
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SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
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TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am".
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet".
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TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher. -
Dear Ah Beng,
I am a Filipina maid. My Sir and Mum always want me to
clean the windows of their 12th storey flat. There is
no way to clean the outside other than leaning out the
window. It is very dangerous and I am very scared of
falling out. But my Sir and Mum get very angry
if I don't. What can I do?
Defenestrata
Ah Beng replies........
Dear Defenestrata,
Wah, damn chia lat. Acherly, I also don'ch know why
Singaporeans want to clean their windows. Maybe you
can persuade your Sir or Mum that leaving the windows
dirty is a good thing. If windows dirty, then can walk
around the flat naked, mah. If clean-clean, then some
kaypoh neighbour sure kao peh kao bu, then you kena
saman. But then, depending on what your Sir or Mum
look like, maybe the sight of them naked might make
you jump voluntarily. You maybe also want to tie
yourself tight-tight to something solid if you have to
lean out. Of course, you could always break the
windows. Then got nothing to clean, mah. But then, it
makes it easier for your Sir or Mum to throw you out.
Aiyah, why not just run away and come work for us at
Geylang Lorong 69? At least here, the Sirs pay you for
the extra service.
Ah Beng
Dear Ah Beng,
Beng ah Beng, I also want to be an Ah Beng. Everyday
sit kopi tiam,put leg on chair, smoke and drink. Some
more always hang out in shopping centre, got char bor.
Most important, no need to study. Can tell me which
gang to join? If you tell me, I sure get all my kakis
to join.
Recruit
Dear Recruit,
Nin nao hiah! You think be Ah Beng so easy, ah? Must
study one, you know! Got a lot of rules. You think you
can anyhow go Queensway and get tattoo, ah? Wait you
get the wrong tattoo, and some other gang see you,
sure kena hoot upside down! And what, you think so
easy grow long last fingernail? Got regulation one,leh! We use it to dig
ear...if too long or sharp, can
burst your eardrum! And what, you think we just KLKK
around the shopping centre cho boh lan and sian
> char bor? You think char bor attracted to Ah Bengs,
ah? Acherly, they are our accomplices, and we are all
there to shoplift or kuah chui (keep a lookout)! You
think be Ah Beng is hobby, is it? It's a profession!
My gang is earning so much revenue, I heard Singapore
Technologies also wants to form a GLG
(government-linked gang) to come into the market. So
join a gang only if you're damn serious. In fact, join
a gang only if your studies are damn tok kong. We
do'wan
any old samseng nowsaday, leh! You just want to relac
one corner in a kopi tiam, then be a kopi kiah. So
once you wake up your idea, you can come down to No.
6969 Geylang Lorong 69 for an interview with us
at the Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society. Bring your 'O'
Level cert.
Ah Beng -
A camel and an elephant meet. The elephant asked the camel:
"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel, clearly irritated, replies: "What a silly question from
someone who has his dick on his face." -
1) The prime minister of China called Bush on the
11th. Sept. after the attack on the Pentagon..
"I am sorry to hear about the attack. It was a
very big tragedy.... but in case you're missing any
documents from Pentagon, we have copies of
everything.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
2) Saddam Husein called Bush on the 11th. Sept.
...
Saddam: Mr. President, I would like to express my
condolences to you.
It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great
buildings.. I would
like to assure you that we had nothing to do in
connection with that. It was
not us ....
Bush: What buildings? What people? What are you
talking about?
Saddam: Oh, and what time it is in America right
now?
Bush: It's 8.00 in the morning.
Saddam: Ooopps! Will call you back in an hour!,
Bye Bye...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
3) Bush & Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks
in and asks the barman, "isn't that Bush & Powell?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them"
So the guy walks over and says. "Hello, what are
you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We are planning world war III"
The guy says, "Really? what's going to happen?"
Bush says, " Well, we are going to kill 40 million
Afghans this time and one bicycle repairman"
And the guys exclaims, "A bicycle repairman??"
So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told
you, no one would worry about the 40 million Afghans!" -
>Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.
>Interviewer: Give me the opposite words.
>Banta Singh: Ok
>Interviewer: Made in India
>Banta Singh: Destroyed in Pakistan
>Interviewer: Keep it Up
>Banta Singh: Put it Down
>Interviewer: Maxi Mum
>Banta Singh: Mini Dad
>Interviewer: Enough! Take your Seat
>Banta Singh: Don't take my seat
>Interviewer: Idiot! Take your Seat
>Banta Singh: Clever! Don't take my Seat
>Interviewer: I say you get out!
>Banta Singh: You didn't say I come in
>Interviewer: I reject you!
>Banta Singh: You Appoint me
>Interviewer: .....!!!!!!!
>===============================================================
>Santa Singh: What is another difference between a mosquito and a fly?
>Banta Singh: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito ..
>==============================================================
>Banta: When did George Washington die?
>Santa: two days before his funeral.
>==============================================================
>Banta: Tell me five FERROCIOUS animals you can think of.......
>Santa: 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.
>==============================================================
>Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted
area.
>the Judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.
>"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta Singh.
>"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE"
>===============================================================
>Santa Singh and Banta Singh were always boasting of their parents
>achievements to each other.
>Santa Singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
>Banta Singh : Yes I have.
>Santa Singh : Well, my father dug it.
>Banta Singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?
>Santa Singh : Yes I have.
>Banta Singh : Well, my father killed it.
>===============================================================
>A surd goes to a barber shop wearing walkman headphones.
>He tells the hair dresser: "Cut my hair please, but do not remove the
head
>phones."
>The hair dresser does his job but needs to get under the headphones to
>finish his
>work. He removes the headphones thinking that the surd will never even
>notice.
>The surd falls to the floor, chokes, turn blue and dies.
>The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what he was listening to
and
>hears : "Breath in, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath Out"
>===============================================================
>Two surds go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
>The first surd says: "I hope you will remember the spot where we caught
all
>those fish."
>The Other Answers : Yes, I made an 'X" on the side of the boat to mark
the
>spot." "You idiot!" replies the first.
>"How do you know we will get the same boat tommorow?" -
1. Sung to the tune of "Baa Baa Black Sheep"
Baa Baa black dick
Have you any sperm?
Yes maam yes maam
Two balls full
None for my gal friend and none for my ex
But all for the horny one
Reading this text
2. Red Light Area
Man goes to REDLIGHT AREA.
Madame inquire: "Are you married?"
He replies: "What difference does it make.
She says: "WE'RE HERE TO SERVE THE NEEDY, NOT THE GREEDY."
3. DEFINE IMPOTENCE.
It's nature's way of saying....."No Hard feelings"
4. Why sperm donation is more expensive than blood donation?
Ans: "Because it's handmade"
5. Good manners:
The three good manners of Male Penis are:
1) COURTEOUS: It stands before performing
2) EMOTIONAL: it cries during the performance and
3) POLITE: It bows down after the performance.
6. SNOW WHITE
What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarf?
Snow White said: "I really wanted 7 inches at one time, Not one inch seven
times."
7. MATHS
How do you teach a girl Maths.
Ans:
Add a bed,
Subtract her clothes,
Divide her legs,
Enter your square roots,
Leave your solution and
Hope she doesn't multiply. -
> Two camels (a mother and a baby) were lazing around,when suddenly baby
camel said.
>
> Baby: "mother, mother, can I ask you some questions ?"
> Mother: "sure! why son, is there something bothering you?"
>
> Baby: "why do camel have humps?"
> Mother: "well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store
water
and we are known to survive without water."
>
> Baby: "okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded."
> Mother:"Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the
> desert. You know with these legs I can move around the
> desert better than anyone", said the mother proudly.
>
> Baby: "okay," "then why are our eye lashes long? Sometimes it is
bothering
my sight."
> Mother: "my son, those long thick eye lashes are your protective cover.
They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind." Said mother
camel with eyes brimming with pride.
>
> Baby: "I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert,the
legs are for walking through the desert and these eye lashes protects my
eyes from the desert. Then what the hell are we doing here in a zoo???"
>
> The Moral of the Story :
>
> Skills, Knowledge, Abilities and Experience are only useful if the place
where you are working gives opportunity!! -
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the
presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead
lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's
complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community.
You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits.
Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call
a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed -
"I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'". -
> > A mother and her son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore
> > to London.The son, (who had been looking out the window) turned to
> > his mother and asked,
> >
> > "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
> > why don't big planes have baby planes?"
> >
> > The mother (who couldn't think of an answer)
> > told her son to ask the stewardess.
> > So the boy asked the stewardess,
> >
> > "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
> > why don't big planes have baby planes?"
> >
> > The stewardess responded,
> > "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
> > The boy admitted that this was the case.
> >
> > "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes
> > because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time. Get
> > your mother to explain that to you." -
>>A prisoner escapes from the local prison where he had been kept for
>>15
>>years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He
>>finds a
>>young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a
>>chair,
>>ties up the woman to the bed, and, while he gets on top of her, he
>>kisses
>>her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
>>
>>While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is
>>a
>>prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in
>>prison,
>>and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your
>>neck. If he
>>wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do wha he tells you,
>>give him
>>satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will
>>kill us.
>>Be strong, honey. I love you "
>>
>>To which the wife responds: "He was not kissing my neck. He was
>>whispering
>>in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy and asked if we
>>kept any
>>Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too . . . -
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
11. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.00
12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
21. Man, honest. Will take anything.
22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. -
There was this mexican who was walking down a beach when he found a bottle that contained a genie.
Well he rubbed the bottle and the genie said, "I'll grant you one wish".
So the mexican says - "ok, I wanna be white and I wanna be surrounded by pussy".
The genie grants the mexicans wish...and turned him into a tampon! -
A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank
and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine day's fishing.
After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents won't
allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks -
'Can I have one of those cigarettes?'
Grandpa, knowing he shouldn't encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a
curt 'no' asks 'Does your dick reach your ass?'.
The boy replies 'No , it doesn't'.
'Then, ' said grandpa, 'you aren't old enough to smoke.'
Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer
so he asks grandpa for a swig. 'Does your dick reach your ass?' asks the old man.
'No, replies the boy.'
'Then you're not big enough to touch beer,' comes the reply.
By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there
and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie himself, so he asks for one.
The boy turns the tables on his grandpa and asks 'Does you dick reach your ass?'
'It sure does, says the old man.'
'Then go fuck yourself - These are all mine!' -
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned,
he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know
what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what
to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks "What did you do?".
The woman says "I Committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional.
She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Just once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5." -
And then there's little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.
Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.
Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims -
"Hah!, they got the nerve...they sent "ME" to the doctor for sucking my thumb!"
