Home > Commonality Corner

Jokes Galore II - The Return of the Joker.

Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:31

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:32

There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the shower-house. They were in the shower-house and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the shower-house, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt? The other teenager said,
"Well, I was at the beach and a fairy said she could grant me one wish,"
And in amazement I said - "NO SHIT!"
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:32

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:33

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing
red and blue light behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough
shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me
an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply...
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:34

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if
they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. As
the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%
pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and as amazed at how well
he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously
helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the

porch.
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:38

A Night with "The Boys".

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys."

I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy,
and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed,
to escape a possible conflict

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock.
Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,'
cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat,
and cuckooed twice then giggled."
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:39

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting
on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began
to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong?
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized
for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole -
it holds very difficult memories for me.

One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice,
This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died
of a heart attack; right at this very hole!

Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!

Horrible? You think it`s horrible?
Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!

Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse,
it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:40

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Italian and they are in their
final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.

"We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys
have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty.
You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her."

The englishman grabbed the gun. "Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good."
He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence.
He came out crying, "We've been maried too long. I just cant do it." So he was booted out.

The frenchman grabbed the gun. "If I must, I must." He went into his wifes cell for about
a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, "I love her too much.
I just can't do it." So he was booted out.

So the Italian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell. "That fucking bitch is really
going to get it." Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the
room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence.
The Italian came out with cuts and briuses all over his face.

The agent asked, "What the hell happened in there?"

The Italian replied, "Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!"
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:44

There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy
walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs & says:
"Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.
"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth."

The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says
it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it
off because she got tired of him asking.

So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks:
"Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"
"Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out.

The next day he walked in on his mom & says:
"Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy's face with it!"
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:47

Jogging in the park...

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball,
and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:49

The Nun and the Talking Scale

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.
When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said,
Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought
about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I\'m going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun,
you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know
that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy
came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun,
you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now
I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule.
So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable,
I've got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs.,
your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now,
I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the
electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this
is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to
me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs.,
you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:49

Martain Sex

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars
(they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start
talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex.
They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but
his penis is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"
The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer.
Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?
"No problem" the martain man replies.
Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.
The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said
"Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"

The man replied, "It was awful...
The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:50

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from
an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about
a bank robbery on March 2.

"Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their
efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes
filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller
safes
scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system,
one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING"
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:50

What's in a name?

1. Mahathir (Malaysia's PM):

My
Assets
Halved
After
The
Hit
In
Ringgit !

2. Suharto (Ex President of Indonesia):

Should
U
Have
Additional
Rupiahs,
Throw
Out!

3. Bush (American President)

Beat
Up
Saddam
Hussein !

4. Clinton:

Call
Lewinsky,
I
Need
The
Oral
Now!

5. However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming is Osama:

Oh
Shit,
American
Missiles
Again!

With all these, you should believe in the 5,000 year old Chinese culture.
Make sure you choose a good name for your children.
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:52

CHINA ENGLISH ... DON'T FALL OFF YOUR CHAIR!!!!!

1. In a Beijing hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

2. In a Shanghai hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."

3. In a Hangzhou hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

4. In a Jilin hotel:
"You are very invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

5. In a Wuxi dry cleaner:
"Please drop your trousers here for best results."

6. Outside a Tianjin clothing shop:
"Order your summer suits quick. Because of big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

7. In a Xian tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

8. In a Guilin hotel:
"Because of impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

9. An ad by Kunming dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest methodists."

10. In a Hangzhou zoo:
"Please do not feed animals. If you have suitable food give it to the guard on duty."

11. From a karaoke bar song list in Suzhou:
"I'd Like to Teach the Wound to Sing" and "What Kind of Foot Am I"

12. In a Taiyuan bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

13. Hainan airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them to all directions."

14. In a Huashan temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman. Even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

15. In a restaurant menu in Harbin:
"Salad a firm's own make - limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger Â– beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

16. In a DongGuan Pub:
"No push, no fun. No clothes, no sweat"
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:54

"Hello, Hello, Ti Kong - God's Voice Mail!"

Too funny not to share ....Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if 'Ti Kong' God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing:

"Thank you for calling Tian Tang Heaven.
For English press 1,
For Mandarin press 2,
For Hokkien press 3,
For Malay. press 4,
For Tamil, press 5,
For all other languages, press 6,

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request,
Press 2 for thanksgiving,
Press 3 for complaints,
Press 4 for suggestions,
Press 5 to make a Donation to our Bank A/C No.,
Press 6 to Transfer Merits/Credit to love ones,
Press 7 for all other matters.

I am sorry, all our Buddha/Kuan Yin, Angels/Saints and Tua/Zee Ya Pehs are all busy helping other sinners and 'troubled souls' right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it is received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
Ti Kong God, press 1,
Buddha or Jesus, press 2,
Kuan Yin or Mary, Press 3,
Tua/Zee Ya Peh or Holy spirit, press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven, press 5,
then enter his CPF Social Security # followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666! ).

For reservations to TianTang/Heaven, please enter 'Tai Sui' or 'JOHN' followed by the numbers, 1 3 8.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in TianTang/Heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. Please don't hog the phone line and give others a chance.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local Shi Fu, Sai Kong, Tang Kee or Pastor.

If you wish to leave a voice message, press 'O' and speak clearly AFTER the tone. We will have a Bodhisiva or Angel return your call A.S.A.P. Thank you and have a nice heavenly day.
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:55

The Man With No Arms

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked,
"I don't mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?"

The guys with no arms replied, "Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?"
The other guys reluctantly says, "sure".

The guy with no arms says, "I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.
Would you mind?"

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said, "Sure, I guess".
When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it.
Reluctantly, he continues to help the man out.

When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him,
"I don't mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?"

The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt, -
"Hell if I know pal... but I know one thing - I sure as hell ain't touching it!"
Xavier
27 Oct 02, 19:57

The Nudist Colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes
and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man
immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection,
it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.
Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out
of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:
"May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours;
you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old...
I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
Hershey
29 Oct 02, 14:47

On gossips:

Â“If you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the
wind for revealing them to the trees.Â”

Â“Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.Â”

Â“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.Â”
CloneMe72
31 Oct 02, 19:26

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called Â“making love.Â”
LUST - When intercourse is called Â“screwing.Â”
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesnÂ’t matter if you donÂ’t climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you donÂ’t climax.
MARRIAGE - WhatÂ’s a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, Â“Hi.Â”
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partnerÂ’s feelings.
LUST - When you couldnÂ’t care less
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is whatÂ’s on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is Â“I love you, darling...Â”
LUST - When your farewell is Â“So, same time next week...Â”
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you donÂ’t care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When youÂ’re only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When youÂ’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When youÂ’re only interested in your golf score.
Hershey
1 Nov 02, 11:00

A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by
a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
Xiao Long Nu
1 Nov 02, 11:01

ehheeh all jokes here funy
Hershey
1 Nov 02, 11:02

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motor cycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

''So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...

"Try doing it with the engine running!"
CloneMe72
1 Nov 02, 22:52

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
CloneMe72
1 Nov 02, 22:59

Juswan Singh and Harwan Singh, two friends not noted for their depth of intellectual aptitude, were applying for a visa to visit their relatives in the town of London Transport, England. The first Juswan. Singh was interviewed by the officer in charge.
"Well, Mr. Singh, all we need to know is whether you have the mental resources to survive your trip to London," he said, demonstrating his cultural understanding of the applicant. "Let's see, nowÂ… if I poke you with this pencil in your left eye, what will happen?
"I'll be blinded in my left eye, sir."
"Very good, Mr. Singh. Now, if I poke you with the pencil in your right eye, what will happen?"
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."
"Well, Mr. Singh, you've passed with flying colors. Enjoy your trip."
Juswan then rejoined Harwan in the waiting room, and described his experience.
"It was being very easy, Harwan. That very nice officer Sahib ask you two questions, and you are answering only I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir, and then I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all and then you are getting the visa straight away."
So the second, and slightly more comprehension-impaired Harwan Singh, went into the interview room. The officer took the same approach.
"What would happen if I took these scissors and cut off your left ear?"
"I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir".
"Hmmm. What would happen if I cut off your your right ear?"
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."
The officer was a little perplexed by these answers.
"Now Mr. Singh, I find your answers very difficult to understand. How could it be that cutting off your ears would have anything to do with your eyesight?"
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dearÂ… I should be explaining myself. If you cut off my left ear, my turban will fall down on the left side and cover my left eye and I'll be blinded in one eye. And then if you cut off my right ear, my turban will also be falling down on the right side and I'll be blinded in my right eye and I won't be able to be seeing anything at all!"
Harwan Singh got his visa.