Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes.
His work mates were understandably curious:
"Jack, what happened to you?!?"
"It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me.
You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny.
I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug.
Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"
"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"
"Naw...After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack
-- so I tried to poke it back in!"
A young man walks up and sits at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of whiskey," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blow job."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a Chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this. As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan:
- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;
- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;
- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained Chihuahua dog will attack its private parts;
- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;
- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, 'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?
"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever, It's just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat -
Shoot the dog...
One day a man went hunting for ducks.
When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.
The Warden said "Hey Sir,what ya huntin?"
The man said "Ducks."
The Warden said "Did ya have any luck?"
He said "Got 3."
The Warden said "Let Me see them." The Warden stuck his finger up the duck's ass,
smelled it and said "This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?"
The Man gave him the stamp.
The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said "Kentuky duck, got a stamp?"
The man gave him the stamp.
The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said "Canada duck. Stamp?"
The man gave him the stamp.
Then the Warden said "Where you from anyway?"
The man pulled down his pants and said - "You're the expert, you tell me!"
There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va.
He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss.
He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview.
"Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an
interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?"
The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time.
"Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys,
got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep,
we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!"
The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another.
"Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk
and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when
we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!"
The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that.
Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had."
"Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up
at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position
and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it
in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it
in a building window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled,
waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle-Tacoma airport,
and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"
sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines,
they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
>Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept
>through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
>
>"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
>
>When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her,
>took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!!" shouted Mary and
>the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep.
>
>A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
>But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
>rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!!" shouted Mary and the teacher
>said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep.
>
>Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.
>
>"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again
>Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!"
>
>The teacher fainted.
A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in
Disneyland produced some strange results.
Mickey Mouse like Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.
Donald Duck likes Dr.Pepper, while Daisy prefers RootBeer.
Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.
But Snow White adores 7up.
It was just another day and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind
the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I whipped out my Million Dollar Bar
and whispered "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like Crunch on My Big Hunk"
she replied "Oh Henry, what a Whopper."
Well she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was pure Almond Joy. I couldn't
resist her Charms and reached out and grabbed her Mounds, it was easy to see this little Twix
had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger
slipped into her tight little Kit Kat as she screamed "Oh Henry, Oh Henry" soon she was
fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut's.
It wasn't long before I blew my Milk Duds to Mars, which gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked about M&M , but I said "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff you little Reese's pieces.
Don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you grab my Whatchamacallit and slip it
up your Bit 'O' Honey"
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed "Oh you Cracker Jack, better than
the Three Muskteers" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty when all of a sudden...my Starburst! Yeah as luck would
have it she started to get Chunky, complained of a Wrigley in her stomach and nine months later -
out popped "BABY RUTH."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into
a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were
battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was also my first day with the hook."
A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring,
faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides
that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken
heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out
exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally
and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart,
he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put
fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.
One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class
that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who
answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the beach?"
needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: "How many stars are in the sky?"
and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday
he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black.
The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just
when the teacher says, "here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag
to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because
they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, "ok, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm
and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be
civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "Him riding MY BIKE!"
A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.
When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question.
Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident.
He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while
his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex
she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him,
and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS
#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."
#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy.
Divert your course NOW!"
#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."
Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime-fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat-woman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder- woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder- woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself,
"I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder-woman said,
"Did you hear something?"
"No." said the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!"
> > > Dearest Samantha,
> > >
> > > I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen
> > > in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 1999.
> > >
> > > 2. With reference to the meeting held between us on
> > > the 17th of August 1999 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself
as
> > > a
> > > prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period
of
> > > three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
> > >
> > > 3. Of course, upon completion of probation, there
> > > will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal
> > > schemes
> > > leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred
for
> > > coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.
> > > Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of
the
> > > expenses.However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on
your
> > > expense account.
> > >
> > > 4. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of
> > > receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled
> > > without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I
would
> > > be
> > > happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not
> > > wish
> > > to take up this offer.
> > >
> > > 5. Thanking you in anticipation.
> > >
> > > Yours sincerely,
> > > Max
> > >
> > >
> > > MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
> > >
> > > Dear Max,
> > >
> > > 1. Please refer to your letter dated today. I am
> > > pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
> > >
> > > 2. However, you should be informed that there are
> > > certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my
> > > satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement
> > > benefits.
> > > Gratuity should be generous.
> > >
> > > 3. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient
> > > security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at
all
> > > of
> > > retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part,then I should
> > > receive
> > > monetary compensation according to union standards.
> > >
> > > 4. Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you
> > > will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in
> > > light
> > > of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and
> > > transport
> > > allowances should be
> > > in order and nothing less than a Jag is in order.
> > >
> > > 5. Please also note that there should be no
> > > moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still
interested
> > > in
> > > the relationship, please reply on an urgent
> > > basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications
> > > of interest.
> > >
> > > 6. Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
> > >
> > > Yours perhaps,
> > > Samantha
Rules Men Want Women to Learn
Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills,
put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen,
shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone.
All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
No, you CAN NOT have the remote control!
Rodney Dangerfield Life Lines
I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said ...."Come on over, there's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father,
"I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... But he pulled through."
I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."
I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...
I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" he said...
"I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
...found on toilet doors and walls
A budding poet trying his BEST
Graffiti 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some bastard
stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or
shall I be forced to use my finger.
Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this....
Washroom Graffiti 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
Some one who had a different experience wrote
Washroom Graffiti 3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
Perhaps it is true that people get inspiration
in toilets
Washroom Graffiti 4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
There are also people who come in for a
different purpose
Washroom Graffiti 5
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls, And read
the bullshit on the
walls...
Toilets walls are also job advertisement
places.......
Washroom Graffiti 6
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Fire
Department wants you.
Ministry of environment advertisement
Washroom Graffiti 7
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!
Washroom Graffiti 8
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seen above a urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our
urinal. We don't piss in
your ashtrays!
Washroom Graffiti 9
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated
throughout the entire
performance.
Washroom Graffiti 10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sign at a swimming pool bathroom:
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't
pee in our pool!
Washroom Graffiti 11
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another sign seen at a swimming pool: Welcome to
our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
This should teach you a lesson
Washroom Graffiti 12
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make
your food...please aim
properly.
War and Religion: You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
All women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal.
Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant
you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex
with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home.
I said: "Well, whose fault is that?!"
Clinton lied, plain and simple. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.
The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson
has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"
And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh.
What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."
Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me.
I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."
Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter was there with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with
a different question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.
St. Peter asked the first nun, "Nun, Who was the first man on earth?"
She replied, "That would be Adam."
St. Peter let her through the gates.
St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her,
"Nun, Who was the first woman on earth?"
She replied, "That would be Eve."
St. Peter let her through the gates.
St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her,
"What was the last thing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise?"
The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time.
"HHHHMMMM," she said aloud, "Thats a hard one."
St. Peter let her through the gates.
Substance: Woman
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Substance: Woman
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance
to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
-----------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)
COMMON USES:
-----------------------
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
-----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.
HAZZARDS:
-----------------------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal
Horse Sense
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a
country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out.
So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger."
Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."
Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he
called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was
the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."