Jokes Galore II - The Return of the Joker.
-
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic...
"Next semester in her biology class." -
The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross.
The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer,
hoping to convince him to make a donation.
"You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community.
How do you reconcile that?"
The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, "If you only knew...
My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income.
My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.
My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident."
Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits.
The lawyer nodded and said, "Exactly...
Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don't even give to my own family!" -
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ...
and that's it.I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says,
"I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.
Surely that can't be true?
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him
a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." -
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this
morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this
morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop." -
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look
at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?" -
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet. -
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap. -
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me
if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE" -
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932
Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner." -
What's the definition for Indefinitely?
When your balls slap her ass you know your In definitely.
What' the definition of indecent.
If it's in long enough and far enough, it's In decent! -
Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and broke his jaw. He was
unable to speak. Being the great leader that he is, he continued his grand
tour. On the last week of his visit, the RTM crew was present for his
press conference. Although unable to speak, Samy insisted on sending a
message home to his Cabinet colleagues. Samy caught a chicken and showed it
to the camera. Next he took a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally
he took a bag and displayed it in front of the camera. Dr Ling was the
first to see the video clip. He said, "Samy is telling us that India has
insufficient food because he showed us a chicken and a goat, and he wants
Malaysia to donate bags of rice. "Mahathir watched silently then said, "No
lah....what Samy is trying to say is HE IS COMING BACK. The whole Cabinet
was puzzled and look to the old man for an explanation. Mahathir reasoned,
"AYAM KAMBING BAG." ("I am coming back" in Indian accent). -
Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes.
His work mates were understandably curious:
"Jack, what happened to you?!?"
"It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me.
You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny.
I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug.
Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"
"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"
"Naw...After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack
-- so I tried to poke it back in!" -
One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief
was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to
the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.
"You have been screwing my wives!," he accused the white father, who looked
very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying
to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black.
"You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd,
"Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them."
"OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I." -
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked,
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," said the Major.
He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," barked the Major.
He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!" -
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong!
Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.
She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde.
In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! - It's M!" -
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." Mary replied. -
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was, that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really awful day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12.01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, said to the man,
"Before I can let you in, you have to tell me what was happening in your life the day on which you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment during my lunch hour and found my wife half-naked. I thought she was having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. Immediately, I began searching for him. My wife was shouting at me as I searched the apartment. Just as I was going to give up the search, I looked out onto the balcony and saw there was a man hanging over the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and jumped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in some tress and bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die! I was so mad that I went back inside to fetch something that I could throw at him. Strangely, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. So I unplugged it, pushed it to the balcony and tipped over the side. It fell the 25 storeys and crushed the man. Unfortunately all this excitement was too much and I had a heart attack and died instantly!"
The Angel sat and thought for a moment. Technically, the man did have a bad day. It was crime of passion. So he announced,
"Okay, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
And he let him in.
A few seconds later the next person came up. The Angel said,
"Before I can let you enter, I need to know what was happening to you on the day you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you are not going to believe this! I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I think I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But suddenly, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, swears at me, and jumps on my fingers! Well, I fell and just before I hit the ground, I landed in some trees or bushes which I broke my fall. But I didn't die immediately. As I am lying there, looking up, unable to move, and in great pain, I notice the crazy man push his REFRIGERATOR off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me - killing me instantly!"
The Angel was quietly laughing to himself as the man finished his story.
"I think I like this new policy," he said to himself. “Okay, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
And he let the man in.
A few seconds later, a third man came up to the gates. The Angel asked,
"Please tell me how you died."
"You will never believe this.” the third man said, “I am naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..." -
Subject: A letter from a Loving mother to his Son, somewhere 20 miles from Madras or is it Chennai (whatever) - can't they make up their fickle mind?!?
This is really hilarious ...
My dear Vahe Guru.
I am in a well here and hoping you in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address Plate
here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in three shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love
Mom.
P.S : Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter. -
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer and he turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too.”
"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for as large as the limousine. Once on the way, one of the poor fellows said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
"Glad to do it.” the lawyer replied, “You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall...” -
Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic on the second line.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty & so is your head.
After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between the eyes.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face,
I wish I were in outer space.
I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell." -
Your Daily Dose of Zen - modified to reflect contemporary wisdom
====================================================
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no food.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse .
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
-
I have been engaged for almost a year.
I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is great and good-looking.
She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place
to
go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we
had
expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that
happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she winked and just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her
way
said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how
to
deal with this situation.
I headed out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling.
He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would
be
true to their little girl.
I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but
I'm marrying their daughter, not them.
AND I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my
car
was to get a condom.....
Morale of the story....
Always keep your condoms in the car, not in the wallet... haha!!! =P -
just some jokes to share..
Wife: Please take off my bra.
Husband: There, it's off.
Wife: Now take off my panties.
Husband: Done.
Wife: Next time, please don't wear my things ok?
Wife A: I hate my engineer husband. Erect, erect, erect.
Wife B: Mine's a doctor. Inject, inject, inject.
Wife C: you're lucky. Mine is lawyer. Postpone, postpone, postpone. -
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up he woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent alot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way.Sure he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too... "
-
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."