Jokes Galore II - The Return of the Joker.
-
Originally posted by WinBoi84:
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
=====================================================
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS. Without blinking or saying a word she entered
the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**** -
Originally posted by WinBoi84:
Definition Of Politics
SON : Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
DAD : Sure Son, What's the question?
SON : What's POLITICS?
DAD : Well Son, let's take our home as an example. I make all the final decisions on important matters, so lets call me MANAGEMENT
Your mother spends most of the money, so let her be the GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs so lets call you the PEOPLE. We shall call our maid Clara, the WORKER.
And we call your Baby Brother, the FUTURE. Do you understand what POLITICS means now?
SON : I'm really not sure. Dad I'll have to think about it.
That night awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to disturb his mother, he then went to the
maid's room. He peeked through the keyhole, and saw his father in
bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went unheard by his father and the maid. So he finally returned to his room and went back to
sleep. The next morning at the breakfast table.
SON : Dad, I now think I understand POLITICS.
DAD : That's great Son! Please explain to me in your own words.
SON : Well Dad! While MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKERS,
The GOVERNMENT is sound asleep.The PEOPLE are being
ignored and the FUTURE is full of shit... -
A woman decided to have a facelift for her birthday. She spent $5,000.00 and, after looking in the mirror, she felt pretty good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a newsstand to buy a paper. She asked the paper man,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replied
"I'm actually 47," the woman said happily.
A little while later she went into McDonalds, waited in line and upon getting her order, she asked the counter girl the same question. The girl replied,
"I'd guess you're about 29."
The woman said proudly to her, "Nope, I am 47."
Now she was feeling really good about herself. Then, while waiting for the bus home, she asked an old man the same question.
"I'm 78 and my eyesight is poor. Although, I remember when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it required me to put my hands up her blouse and feel her boobs for a short time. Only then I could tell exactly how old a woman was."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally said,
"What the hell, okay, go ahead."
So the old man slipped both hands up her blouse, under her bra, and began to feel around slowly. After a few minutes she said, "That's enough. Now tell me, how old am I?"
He removed his hands and said, "You are 47."
"That is amazing. How could you tell that?" the woman asked, stunned.
"I was behind you in line at McDonalds..." -
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say "Hi, we are prostitutes.
Do you want to have some FUN?'"
"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "Bring your two talking female parrots over
to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught
to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say,
"Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says -
"PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!" -
A lady approached a priest and told him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in and they said,
"Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looked over to the other male parrot and said,
"Put the bibles away! Our prayers have been answered!" -
An Indian, a Chinese and a Malay were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Indian, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the Indian, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Chinese and the Malay and I were standing at the gates of heaven. An Angel approached us and said that we were too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50 and the next thing I know I was back here."
“That's amazing!" said one of the doctor. "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the Indian, "the Chinese was bargaining over the price and the Malay was waiting for the government to pay for his." -
If you want to release stress, come to me, take off your pants, your underwear, get on top of me, relax... enjoy it until you finish...
Lovingly yours....
Toilet Bowl -
An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up at his doctorÂ’s office. He said to the doctor,
“I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that?”
The doctor thought for a second and then said,
“Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he’s in the woods and suddenly giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?”
“That’s impossible.” The old man said, “Someone else must have shot that bear!”
“EXACTLY.” replied the doctor.
* * * * * *
This Red Indian boy went to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say, Mom,” he asked, “why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?”
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” she replied.
“Why is my sister named Corn Flower?”
“Well,” his mother answered, “your father and I were in cornfield when we made her.”
“And why is my other sister called Moon Child?”
“We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived,” she replied and then asked the boy, “Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?!” -
Up or Down - Rated R
An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice up their life. As the boat pulled away from the dock, she leaned forward to wave, but went too far and dropped her hearing aid in the water! The man was upset, because now she would not hear anything he said. When the steward showed them their room, he flipped out.
“Bunk Beds! That does it. Now I won’t even get sex.”
That night she was standing there looking at the beds when he came out of the bathroom and tapped her on the shoulder.
“Up or down?” he asked.
She immediately threw him on the bed and made love to him. This continued every night when he asked “up or down?” The cruise
nearing its end, he decided that she was turned on by the beds.
Immediately upon docking he went to the furniture store and bought a set of bunk beds. She returned home with her new hearing aid.
“How do you like them?” he asked.
“What in the hell did you get bunk beds for?”
“Every night I asked you ‘up or down’ and you made wild passionate love to me. I thought they turned you on.”
“Is that what you were saying? I thought you said ‘f
k or drown!" -
The Russian Pretzel
Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called “The Russian Pretzel,” which often landed his opponents in the hospital. When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said,
“Coach, he’s HUGE. I’m scared.”
“You da MAN!” The coach replied, “Just go in there and tear him up!”
The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room. The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out. The coach said,
“C’mon, son. You’re our last chance!”
The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the AmericanÂ’s hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.
“Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You’d be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!”
Golfing With The Mob
One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play nine holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway,
continuing their chat.
“What do you do?” the first man asked.
“I’m a salesman. What about you?”
“I’m a hitman for the mob,” replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the first guy started getting a little nervous and continued,
“Yeah, I’m the highest paid guy in the business. I’m the best.”
He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived. Still nervous the man replied,
“In a subdivision just west of here.”
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked,
“What color roof ya’ got?”
“Gray.”
“What color siding?”
“Yellow.”
“You got a silver Toyota?”
“Yeah,” replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman’s equipment. “That’s my wife’s car.”
“That your red pickup next to it?”
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said
“Hell. That’s my buddy Jeff’s truck. What the hell is he doing there if I’m..?”
The hitman looked through the scope once more.
“Your wife a blond and your buddy got black hair?”
The man nodded.
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you, but I think you’ve got a problem. They’re going at it like a couple of teenagers in there.” said the hitman.
“Problem?! THEY’VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!”
The hitman paused and said,
“Sure. But it’ll cost you. Like I said, I’m the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot.”
“I don’t care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, and shoot him in the balls.”
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said,
“You know what buddy, this is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!”
-
Dumb Guy. Rated PG
A beautiful blonde went into a bar and sat down next to a guy that was so homely looking, he has not had a date in over a year, also, he was so dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figured that he had absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde. Then suddenly she struck up a conversation with him and soon they became rather chummy. It started to get late and the bartender called out last drink for alcohol. The blonde leaned over to the guy and said,
"Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally uttered the word,
"Okay."
They got up from the bar stool arm and arm, headed for the door. The blonde stopped him and said,
"Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
"That's okay,” he replied, “I'll follow you in my Honda." -
Aphrodisiac - Rated R
An old farmer was having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them suggested,
“You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick.”
“How did you get it fixed?”
“Well I just dipped my finger in the cow’s vagina and rubbed it all over the bull’s nose and he got right after her.”
He went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cowÂ’s vagina and rubbed it all around the bullÂ’s nose. The bull got a rip-roaring boner and jumped on the cow immediately. That night, he got into bed with his wife and could not get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, he dipped his fingers into his wifeÂ’s vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, he rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out loud,
“Darling. Look at THIS!”
She rolled over, turned on the light and screamed at him,
“You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?” -
Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591
Dear Sirs;
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time
getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since
men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we
should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked
woman, and of course,
every businessman in this country would start flying again in hopes of
seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have
record sales. Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I
still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton -
One there was this Blonde who was penniless. Hence she decided to kidnap a child and get some ransome money.
She went to a kindergarden and caught hold of a child. Then she wrote on a piece of paper,
I HAVE KIDNAPPED YOUR KID. TO MAKE SURE THAT HE WILL BE IN SAFE HANDS, GIVE ME $10,000 AND LEAVE IT AT THE DUSTBIN TOMORROW, AND I WILL PICK IT UP. Signed THE BLONDE.
She pinned the paper on the kid and sent him home. Next morning, she went to the dustbin of the kindergarden and sure enough, she found $10,000 and note that says,
HERE IS THE $10,000 YOU WANTED. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? Signed A FELLOW BLONDE. -
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
A few years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. -
Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry about poor old me.
I'm just fine considering I can't breathe, or eat. The important thing
is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your
lonely ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend
on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything
nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you
two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army
surplus stores and all.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer
so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.
I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and
I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know
that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never even
watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off another
gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry none about your poor old mother.
I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off last week, and I'm
actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant agonizing pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it
or those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer
clothes that gold-digger demands you to buy her.
Give my love to my darling Grand-babies and my regards to that wench what's-her-name.
The one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, by seducing you and
dragging you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.
Happy New Year.
Love,
Mom -
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time
and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an
enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he
traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty
six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest.
Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree
in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'" -
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion,
you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.
He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask.
I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper
he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" -
A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a
oom full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.
He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was
so bad about the place.
"Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in the bottoms,
and the blondes don't! -
Murphy's Laws of sex
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
3.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
4.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
5.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
6.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
7.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
8.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
9.Virginity can be cured.
10.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
11.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
12.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
13.Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
14.The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
15.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
16.The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
17.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
18.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
19.There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
20.Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
21.If the effort that went in research on the female bosom
had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
22.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
23.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
24.One good turn gets most of the blankets.
25.You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
26.Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
27.It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
28.Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
29.A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
30.What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
31.It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
32.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
33.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
34.Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. -
Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided
to apply for a job in the most prestigous "L & Lee Law Firm" company.
During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume,
thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your
application with my wife. "
And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife Lee's wife
said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with
surnames beginning with 'Lee' only?
Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!" So Lee told the bad news to
Santa Singh about his rejection. Few days later, Santa Singh came back
to the same company and request for another interview and Lee said,
'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......' when
Santa Singh interupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just
changed my name. Lee looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, "What
is your new name then?" On this, Santa Singh replied 'Surname Lee, First
name, Manga!' (Manga-Lee) -
Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you use “la” or “le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider Â… it gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. Lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. -
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.
She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her
vibrator.
"What are you doing?", asked the Mom.
"Mom - I am 40 years old, and look at me. I am ugly.
I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband!"
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon
entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?", he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly.
I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband!"
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand,
and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What the hell does it look like I'm doing?
I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!" -
So you think your life is bad...
Just think how bad the life of an egg is...
You only get laid once...
You only get eaten once...
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and...
2 minutes to get soft...
You have to share a box with 11 other guys...
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!! -
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. Management Learning: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!