Jokes galore!
-
This lady decides to take her young and impish son to the local swimming pool.
The are having a good time until one of the lifeguards walks up to the mother.
The lifeguard asks the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children
will urinate in a pool! I don't see why you are making sure a big deal of it!"
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"
Dina - avoid comments...if there is any.. accompany with a joke... -
A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Dad, what is politics all about?"
Dad says,
"Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way...I'm the bread winner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism.' Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the 'Government.' We are here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People.' The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class.' And, finally, your baby brother...we'll call him 'The Future.' Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound sleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says,
"Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies,
"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."
p.s : XAvier...the person you talking about is Ding and not me rite? -
A little girl was being selfish to her brothers.
Her Dad sat her down and gave her a big lecture
about being selfish.
When he was done, the little girl said;
"Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish! -
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because it's sooooooooooo much cheaper ... so I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she!" -
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.
Whack!
The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell.
A farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster,
please allow me to replace him".
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back." -
A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached
to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car
right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn,
and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk.
While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.
"Grandma, what happened to the kitten?"
"It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead."
"Where does a kitten go when it dies?"
"God takes the kitten to heaven."
The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said,
"But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?" -
[color=DarkBlue]Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The old man told the other to sit down and not make a sound.
So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, the old man heard a scream. 'I thought I told you to be quiet!', he said.
'I was when the snake bit me,' the young man said.
'And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed!' -
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter,
I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor
of a department store, two inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you & the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he's serious.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer,
and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie
'The Way We Were' twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?"
Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him,
"Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and
"I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get
rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have
your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman
to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume
she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight,
he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause
you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls
and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. -
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it,
lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films ended
with a scream and a flush.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports
on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble,
he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble,
I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning.
Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public.
They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions.
My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
Men are sensitive in strange ways.
If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. -
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with
their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order
him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. -
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy,
then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he
had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,
"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy!" said the girl. -
A couple had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it
and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing
each other for what could be the last time, the hubby asked the wife if she would
mind him asking one last question. "Not at all, go right ahead," she replied.
"Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have 5 kids with brown hair but
the youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?"
"I just can't tell you. The answer would hurt you too much." she replied.
"I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can't hurt me too much."
"Well, if it's that important to you...Jimmy is your child." -
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms. -
SNAKE & BUNNY
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there
lived
an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A
surprising
coincidence was that both were blind from Birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and
the snake was slithering through the forest, when
the
bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This,
of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I
didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth,
so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm
also an orphan, I don't ev en know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually,
my
story is much the same as yours. I, too, have
been
blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over
you,
and figure out what you are, so at least you'll
have
that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So
the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
"Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have
really
long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft
cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," crie d the bunny in
total
joy.
Then the bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I
could
feel you with my paw, and help you the same way
you've
helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked,
"Well, you are smooth, cold, and you have a forked
tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you
must
be
either a politician, an attorney, or possibly
someone
in upper management." -
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to
visit a church and confess all of his sins.
When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and
spoke to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful.
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years
and nothing serious ever happened between us.
Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for
her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was
around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody
was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too"
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no
response from the Father, he walked over
and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he went searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table ...
behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me." -
And God Created The Woman
He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors:
His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.
He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.
The Carpenter says:
"Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"
Then the Tailor says:
"Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"
Then the Architect says:
"Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time,
please do not place the toilets next to the reception room" -
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties:
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties:
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses:
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests:
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one. -
Johnny (age
comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon.
His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then
he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of
Johnny so they ask Johnny.
"How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"
He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets
from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."
His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses
if you and Betty have a baby?"
Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..." -
A man was sick and tired of going to work
every day while his wife stayed home. He
wanted her to see what he went through so
he prayed:
Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put
in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast packed their lunches, drove
them to school, came home and picked up the dry
cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped
the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
then drove home to put away the groceries,
paid the bills and balance the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P. M. and he hurried to make
the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep
and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick
up the kids and got into an argument with them on the
way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids
organized to do their homework, then set up the
ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables
for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh
beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen,
ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids,
and put them to bed.
At 9 P. M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected
to make love which he managed to get through without
complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the
bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay
home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
God answered: "Glad you have learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change things back to the way they
were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night."
Don't you just love it? -
A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary,
I'm taking my wife to Australia."
His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat.
What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"
The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her." -
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message
to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims,
I don't have money, but I will do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?" -
This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me
up
with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter?"
The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he's
gay."
Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer.
Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and says, "Hey
Joe,
how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?"
The man says, "Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out
that HE'S gay."
Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes him up with the beer and
whiskey.
Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, "Joe,
I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!"
Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family love women?"
The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife does..." -
Sign in a high-rise condo: Â’Do under others as you would have them do under youÂ’
Sign outside a school: ‘Stay in school and be up to know-good’
“Good heavens, Mother!” cried the son when he saw the aged woman scrubbing the floor.
“Have you gone off the rocker?”
A mother hen who had difficulty keeping her stubborn chick in line declared:
“If your daddy could see you now, he would turn over in his gravy!” -
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical
society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up...
I'm two miles past my stop already!"