Jokes galore!
-
QUESTION : How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah,kwah,
kwah". -
QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
ANSWER : Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)
QUESTION : How do Hokkien fish laugh?
ANSWER : Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish) -
> A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't ., I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here",
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again" -
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the
deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it
if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper, dad?" "You'll see", he
replies. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what
they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother
sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams... "Don't eat it Jimmy! It's an ass hole!" -
I'm Turner Brown
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis,
3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle,
3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'." -
Dont step on the ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ...don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any
ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve
being with you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck." -
A man tries to enter heaven but first he has a chat
with St. Peter, keeper of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that it is not easy to get into heaven.
There are some criteria to be met before entry is allowed.
St. Peter asked the man several questions.
Was he religious in life? Did he attend church?
Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor, to
charities? Did he do any good deeds? Did he help his neighbor?
The man answered, "No".
St. Peter said, "Not good, not good."
Exasperated, St. Peter says, "Look, everybody
does something nice sometime. Work with me,
I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this little old lady. I
came out of a store and found her surrounded by
a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were
shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I
threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and
got her purse back. I helped her to her feet.
Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker
and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean
he was and then I spit in his face."
"Wow, said St. Peter,
"That's impressive. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten minutes ago" -
As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang.
The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, "Damn it!
How should I know? Call the weather bureau!" and hung up.
"What was that all about?" wife asked.
"Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!" -
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No way dear! ... He's left handed. -
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up tothe
doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little
boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the
women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He
asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber.
THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on
the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch
the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed andhave sex, and Mum will catch it.In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and
HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!" -
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake." -
Newpapers said drinking was bad.....i quit drinking.......newpapers said smoking was bad....i quit smoking.....newspapers said sex was bad....i quit reading....
-
Not really a joke but something to wonder about..typical singaporean character
5C is no longer the "in" thing.
Welcome to "5B"
The latest 'in' thing is the all-important 5Bs instead of the out-of-date
5Cs
- a celebration of the rife materialism in S'poreans!
Here's how to link the 5Cs to the newer 5Bs.
I don't need a CAR, but I want a BMW
I don't need a CONDO, but I want a BUNGALOW
I don't need you to have CASH but I want you to own a BANK
I don't need you to have a CAREER but I want you to be a BOSS
****************************************************************************
Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5
:
Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career
Heard of the 5B's?
B - BMW
B - Body
B - Brain
B - Billionaire
B - Bungalow
And, in addition the 5K's ...
Kiasu (scared of losing)
Kiasee (scared of dying)
Kiabor (scared of wife)
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu (scared of government) -
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman
acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently
unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to
the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't.
He just walked in the door." -
What are CATS?
- Cats do whatever they want and you have no idea what they are thinking.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
CONCLUSION:
Cats are little women in fur coats.
What are DOGS?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture they're allowed to sit on.
- They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't listen to you when you're in the same room.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then kiss you.
CONCLUSION:
Dogs are little MEN in fur coats. -
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!" -
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was, that in order to get into Heaven,you had to have a really awful day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12.01pm, the first person came to the gates of
Heaven.The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, said to the man, "Before I can let you in, you have to tell me what was happening in your life the day on which you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment during my lunch hour and found my wife half-naked. I thought she was having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. Immediately, I began searching for him. My wife was shouting at me as I searched the apartment. Just as I was going to give up the search, I looked out onto the balcony and saw there was a man hanging over the edge by his fingertips!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and jumped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But he landed in some tress and bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die! I was so mad that I went back inside to fetch something that I could throw at him. Strangely, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. So I unplugged it, pushed it to the balcony and tipped over the side. It fell the 25 storeys and crushed the man.Unfortunately all this excitement was too much and I had a heart attack and died instantly!!"
The Angel sat and thought for a moment. Technically, the man did have a bad day. It was crime of passion. So he announced, "Okay, sir.Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next person came up. The Angel said, "Before I can et you enter, I need to know what was happening to you on the day you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you are not going to believe this!!" "I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I think I got a little carried away,slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But suddenly,this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, swears at me, and jumps on my fingers! Well, I fell and just before I hit the ground, I landed in some trees or bushes which I broke my fall. But I didn't die immediately.
As I am lying there, looking up, unable to move, and in great pain, I notice the crazy man push his REFRIGERATOR off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me - killing me instantly!"
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I think I like this new policy," he says to himself. "Okay," say the Angel to the second man. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." And he lets the man in.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gates. The Angel says,"Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "You will never believe this. I am naked,hiding inside a refrigerator................." -
John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.
The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down
and said, "You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do
something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell
her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle
my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears!
You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt."
"Well I might try something like that," said John.
A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter,
and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway. "John!" says the doc, "Haven't seen
you in a while! How's those headaches?"
"Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice!" said John.
"Hey, that's fantastic!" said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.
"Say, Doc!" yelled John, down the hall, "Nice place you got there!" -
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stints . . . . .
And Satan created HMO's... -
Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down
who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.
Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?"
The Guy: "Yeah, I'm really depressed"
Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?"
The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend"
Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?"
The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over"
Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?"
The Guy: "I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said -
Bad Dog! Bad Dog!" -
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?" "What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver -
Once 4 person took a chopper to tour around. They were American, French, Malaysian and Blangahdash.
Then after a while the American took out a fresh pack of cigrette and took out one to have a puff... He lighted one stick and thot to himself...."I must try to prove my country riches and superiority to the rest..." So he threw the rest of the pack out..
The French feeling strange ask him..."Why did you throw it out? It's So wasteful..." The American just told him..."I got lotsa that at home..."
The French not wanting to be outdone, took out a bottle of perfume, opened it and spray alittle and threw it out...
This time the Malaysian ask:"Why did you do that??" He replied:"That Yank has lotsa of cigrette...but my home got lotsa of perfume..."
This time round the Malaysian was feeling kinda of lost out, he doesn't have any thing of an identity with him from his home country...then suddenly he turn to the Blanagahdash and smile...
He whisper to the Blangahdash to stand up and without a word, he just pushed him out from the chopper..
This time round the American and French were both shocked...And asked him: "What the hell did you do that for!"
The Malaysian smiled back and said to them..."Well, I got lotsa and tones of those back in my homeland...." -
Pearl Harbour Vs Titanic
A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.
After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the Director. Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"
The director ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor,you##@!!*#! My dad perished in that bombing!"
"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~#@#!?*! I am Chinese!"
"Yeah yeah yeah...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same",retorted Spielberg.
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered
a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director,sending
him flat onto the floor.
"What was that for?" exclaimed the director.
"That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.
"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" shouted the director.
"Yeah yeah yeah...Iceberg, Carlsberg,Spielberg,...you are all the same!"
-
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father
for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go
ask your mother
if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your
sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me
what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father
means.
He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep
with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little
smile on her face says,
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars,
would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod!
Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially,
we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple
of whores." -
That's a good oneOriginally posted by www:A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?" "What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver
