Jokes galore!
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Dear Billy joe Bob,
I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt -
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http://myboringlife.com/i_want_a_fat/babe.html
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His Last Words
Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked,
"Do you have something you would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen.
"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read:
"GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!" -
A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE!
And to do that you have to give the woman something.
So when you pick up your date later,
make sure you have some flowers or choclates
to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff.
The more you give, the more you get!"
So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, so
she rewarded him with a long passionate
kiss. She pressed her body against him
and ran her fingers through his hair..
hoping to give him the best kiss he has
ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied.
"I'm going out to get you some jewelry!!" -
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A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
"I'd love to be ten again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear-everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went,where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a large chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic,and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is there to listen to her, he will still get it wrong anyway. -
The main difference between a english fairy tale and the hokkien fairy tale is....
English:Long Long time ago...
Hokkien: Lim Pek Ga Le Gong..... -
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-
story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands,
they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how
it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and
once you find what you are looking for, you can stay
there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign
telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign
reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the
next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here
are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough,
so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the
men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are
still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men
here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited
and are going in when they realize that there is still
one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they
head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men
here. This floor was built only to prove that there is
no way to please a woman." -
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he
finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind
him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!" -
Taco Bell Condoms: Think Ouside the Bun
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. -
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class
that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers
correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the
beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the
sky?"
and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer
the
question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong
balls
and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's
question,"
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the
front
of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class
amusing,
the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!" -
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.
Why? So he can make a new hole! -
The International Tabacco Syndicate, on its Golden Anniversary, wishes to invite
Smokers of all ages to join in its biggest Anniversary Sweepstakes Draw, where
every smoker is a sure winner!
All smokers have the chance of winning the following major prizes.
Grand Prizes: A Brand New Cancer, Bronchial Infection, Goiter, Sinusitis, Migraine,
Cerebral Tumor, Paralysis, Hypertension, and Asthma
Second Prizes: Special Hepatitis, Meningitis, Bronchitis
Third Prizes: Colored TB, Emphysema, Arteriosclerosis, Gingivitis,
Rheumatism, Heart Disease, and Lung Cancer.
You can also have a chance to win consolation prizes such as:
Tartar Deposits, Bad Breath, Stained Teeth, Appetite Loss, and Swelled Gums.
Join now!!! Remember that the more sticks you puff, the more chances of easy winning.
Fabulous prizes await you!!! You can also be a lucky winner! Please claim your prizes
at the nearest funeral parlor.
This promo is a limited offer... See your X-Ray result for more details!!! -
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says,
"Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy
and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then asks -
"Well then, why is the boy wearing black?" -
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
**********
The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time,
you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands.
**********
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
**********
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. -
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in,
"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen." -
A Nun's Story
A cab driber picks up a nun. She gets into the
cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She
asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a
question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long
as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must
be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I
am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when
they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I
must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a
Halloween party, and my name is Kevin." -
Ideal Cubicle
Scott Adams has partnered with IDEO, the company that designed the Palm V, the first Apple computer mouse, the original laptop computer and Crest's Neat Squeeze stand-up toothpaste tube, to create the ultimate cubicle. The "kit of parts" allows employees to customize their workspaces according to their needs. Along with practical solutions for common work necessities like storage, counter space, etc. the design includes a hammock, an aquarium, a floor cooler, rotating floor modules, a Wall Flower fold-down chair, a coat hanger and locker, and a motorized shoe polisher.
Other features include:
Boss Monitor - An icon that, when pressed, lets you see the boss's office door in order to keep tabs on his activities, moods, etc.
Pink Gerber Daisy - "Wilts" when cubicle is empty and springs up when a person enters the space.
Trash can - Vibrates (as if tickled), and speaks and/or giggles when trash is placed in bin.
Self-timing Guest Seat - A micro-switch that, when triggered by the seat being unfolded, will set off a timing circuit, which will then dial the extension of the phone in the workspace. This provides the inhabitant with an excuse to get rid of the guest.
Sun Lights - Over the course of a day, the lights in the top modules glow or fade to simulate the movement of the sun.
Drink Temperature Control - A plate on the desk that acts as a cooling or heating unit.
Screen / computer monitor - A split screen. Right side is a view chosen by employee. Left side is computer monitor. Left side's screen saver is the same view as on the right.
http://www.ideo.com/dilbert/
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[color=Indigo]Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies
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1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
2. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
3. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (& vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.
4. Once applied, make-up is permanent. Even in the rain.
5. A group of goondoos can be shooting at the hero, but he will never be hit, unless of course he is attempting to save the heroine.
6. Enemies shooting the hero will always miss but every shot the hero takes from his small revolver will kill an opponent.
7. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from God-knows-where and join them in the dance.
8. The heroine will have time to change outfits several times in one song, however short the song may be.
9. If the hero starts dancing in a field, everyone you bump into will know all the steps, and will be wearing coordinated outfits.
10. It does not matter if the hero is heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fighting - the enemies will wait patiently to attack him one by one by moving around in a threatening manner until he has knocked out his current opponent then the next one will come up.
11. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy who he is up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle
and so forth.
12. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between sentences) are No Problem!, My God!, Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!, Please forgive me!
13. They drop down on the ground and roll about while singing and come
out with different clothing.
14. They can run around the coconut trees, singing, batting eye-lids, throwing glances at each other and changing clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.
[color=Blue]Things You Would Never Know Without Chinese Swordsman Movies
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1. The hero's parents will always be unlucky and they will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young, and the hero will become an orphan.
2. When a man is wounded and dying, he manages to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head to die.
3. When an old man is dying after being attacked by villains, while lying down he will ask the hero (kneeling beside him) to take care of his beautiful daughter (who will be crying).
4. When fighting with the enemy, instead of hitting each other, the villain and the hero will choose to hit each other's palm and stand there for some time before pushing each other away..... and one of them will spill blood out of his mouth
5. Sword fighters are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across distances without any sweat. But when travelling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.
6. When saying goodbye to other sword fighters, they will cover their right fist with their left palm and jump out of the camera screen. You were supposed to know that they actually flew off into the sky.
7. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have gold and silver coins with them to pay for their meals.
8. The inn is such an up-to-date information-centre that when having lunch at the inn, you can always overhear gossip on what's happening in the pugilistic-world. And usually the gossip comes from a few goons at the next table.
9. Assassins seem to come from the same employment agency - they all wear the standard uniform- black cloth all over revealing only the eyes.
10. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.
11. It's easy to immobilize someone - just touch him with your fore finger and middle finger anywhere on his body and he will not move... but he can still curse.
12. To remove an immobilization, just tap your fingers all over his body again.
13. Healing internal wounds in the body is easy - just sit down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke will come out from the head.
14. People like to pass short messages on paper with flying darts to show off their darting skills.
15. The villains usually stay in a secret underground compartment just behind the walls of their room....usually opened up by turning a small statue.
16. When chasing someone, they will shout at the runner and order him to stop...as if he will obey !
17. Nobel's invention of explosives in 1866 is useless. Sword fighters in the pugilistic world in olden times already knew how to cause explosions with their bare hands.
18. Sword fighters have the power to destroy rocks, but do not have the power to kill the hero.
19. If you are so nervous before your duel, mock your opponent before starting the fight.
20. People in the pugilistic world don't seem to have to work. They spend their time attending meetings and nose around other people's business.
21. They can keep a lot of stuff up their sleeves and waistband and never drop them. Especially gold and silver ingots... -
Si fu, qing shou tu er yi bai!!
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"...
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels
in jail until the chief gets back. So DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD!"
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...
"HEY - I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on
his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!" -
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach.
The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto.
I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom.
The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm
gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and
dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night".
Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she
runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down,
she trips over an old ladies handbag - ***splat *** and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!" -
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship.
On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain
passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse
stumbles and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts,
walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and says, "That's one!"
The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree.
The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!"
He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope.
The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man.
Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a
pistol from his vest, and shoots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband,
"That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!" -
Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of
his elderly patients.
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"
Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you
know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when
I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for
me automatically when I open the door!"
The doctor is worried that the old man is getting
senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife
answers.
The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little
concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when
he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom
door, the light somehow goes on..."
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang
jio in the fridge again!"