Jokes galore!
-
This is what happens when a message is passed on distorted.
>
> > Communication breakdown- really funny !
> >
> > Memo from Director General to Manager:
> > Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse
> > of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind
> > the moon for two minutes. As this is something
> > that cannot be seen every day, time will be
> > allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the
> > parking lot.
> > Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven,
> > when I will deliver a short speech introducing the
> > eclipse, and giving some background information.
> > Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
> >
> >
> > Memo from Manager to Department Head:
> > Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the
> > car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of
> > the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For
> > a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
> > The Director General will deliver a short speech
> > beforehand to give us all some background
> > information. This is not something that can be seen
> > every day.
> >
> >
> > Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
> > The Director General will today deliver a short speech
> > to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the
> > form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen
> > every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten
> > or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
> >
> >
> > Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
> > Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where
> > the Director General will eclipse the sun for two
> > minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be
> > safe, but it will cost you.
> >
> >
> > Memo from Supervisor to staff:
> > Some staff will go to the car park today to see the
> > Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every
day.
> >
> > -
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Don't even go there!!
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time.
Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: Xy
Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 50
Physical Properties: Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find pure sample.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. -
The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe
and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.
"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse exclaimed.
"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied.
"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist
them in picking a first name for their baby."
"You don't understand," the woman said and frowned.
"My baby already has a "FIRST" name!" -
The First Affair
>
> There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-age
> daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the
> son they always wanted.
>
> After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough,
> delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful
> father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
> horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>
> He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
> father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
> fathered," he cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
> been
> fooling around on me?"
>
> The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
>
> The Second Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
> bodies before they were sent off to be buried or
> cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing
> discovery - Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever opseen!
>
> "I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you
> off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
> It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used
> his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his
> prize
> into a briefcase and took it home.
>
> The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show
> you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
>
> "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>
> The Third Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
> opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"
>
> She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted
> him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she
> whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
>
> "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
> room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
> Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us,
> too."
>
> No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when
> they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of
> bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwichand a
> glass of milk.
> "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like
> an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a
> glass of water."
>
> The Fourth Affair
>
> A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender
> and asks for a beer.
>
> "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 cent."
> "ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer.
> The barman replies, "Yes."
> So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
> T-bone
> steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
> "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
> money."
>
> "How much money?" inquires the guy.
> "Four cents," the bartender replies.
> "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
> The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
> The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
> The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
>
> The Fifth Affair
>
> Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
> his
> side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
> roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
> slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.
> "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
> He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
> something I must confess to you."
> "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
> "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
> "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your
> sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
> "I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
>
> The Sixth Affair
>
> An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one
> evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every
> request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love,"
> "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married
> almost
> 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
>
> While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and
> said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you
> still call your wife those loving pet names."
>
> The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he
> said "I forgot her name about 10 years ago." -
STORY OF SINCERE SINGH
This story tell us not to be "too kind" to our bosses Here it goes:
There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a house
guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early
morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the
guard house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the
gate.
He said "Sir..Sir.. are you going to board a plane?"
"Yes, why?" asked the millionaire.
"You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the
plane going to crash."
Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the
multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip.
"You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal."
The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the
millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. "Thank God I
cancelled the trip,." the rich man said. Realising that what Jaga Singh
had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him. When the guard was
called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him.
WHY ?
Think first....
Use your brains
Use your brains!!!!!
Still no idea??
Come on...... it is very easy....
Still drawing a blank????
Just imagine you are the Singh
and you have saved your boss's life........
OK-lah, since you do not want to "use your brains" like Jaga Singh before
you talk to your boss.......... Just scroll down for the answer...
ANSWER
Jaga Singh was supposed to guard the house at night ...NOT to Sleep and
Dream all night!!!!!
So, GO BACK TO WORK!! and Don't try to save your boss's life!! Haha!!! -
A lady walks into a bridal store and starts browsing through the racks of gowns. The clerk sees her, walks over, and says, "Good Afternoon, Ma'am. Is it you that is getting married?"
The lady smiles and replies, "Hello, and yes, it is me!"
The clerk says, "Congratulations! I will be happy to assist you in making your day special and memorable. A lady's first wedding is such a special event."
The lady answers, "Thank you, but this is my fourth wedding."
The clerk, looking concerned, states, "Ma'am, I don't wish to be rude, but you have been looking at the white bridal gowns. These are traditionally used only for first weddings, to symbolize the purity and chasteness of the virginal bride. Perhaps...."
The lady interrupts her and says, "I know all that. And despite this being my fourth marriage, I am still a virgin, and entitled to one of these lovely gowns."
The clerk looks at the lady with a disbelieving stare, and says, "Ma'am, do you expect me to believe that you have been married three times already, and you are still a virgin?"
The customer smiles and states, "Yes, and it really is quite simple. My first husband was a psychologist, and he just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, and he just wanted to look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector....GOD, I MISS HIM!" -
[color=blue]Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce
to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan
of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral.
"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.
The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's
underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks
to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan
officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away.
"Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the
world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my
Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?" -
[color=indigo]Once there was this little catepillar who was walking to town. Then he walked past his neighbour the bees. The bees were also driving out to town and offered catepillar a ride.
1/4 thorugh the journey, Elder Bee stopped the car, got down, and urinated into the oil tank. Then, he continued the journey.
Another 1/4 through the journey, Mrs Bee got off the car and urinated into the oil tank.
This went on until when they were very near town. Being courteous, dear catepillar got off and wanted to urinate into the oil tank when Mr Bee shouted.
"What are you doing catepillar?"
"Well i wanted to urinate into the oil tank like what the both of you did..."
"No, no, this car only runs on Bee Pee(BP)!!"
BP..got it?? brand of petrol? kkekekeke
-
Got it... ha ha ha
-
Subject: Mental case...
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital Swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." -
seow
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that 1 is old joke liao leh.
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A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and took a nap.Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat, with all its fishing gear on board, and read her book on the tranquil lake. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, Isn't it obvious?
******* "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
******* "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
******* "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
******* "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
******* "But, I haven't even touched you," roused the sheriff.
******* "Yes, that's true," she replied, "But you do have all the equipment." -
Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Jones is first.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mr. Jones himself.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back." -
-
Originally posted by Xavier:A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and took a nap.Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat, with all its fishing gear on board, and read her book on the tranquil lake. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, Isn't it obvious?
******* "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
******* "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
******* "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
******* "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
******* "But, I haven't even touched you," roused the sheriff.
******* "Yes, that's true," she replied, "But you do have all the equipment." -
Originally posted by jAnY:
page cannot be found neh
This is indeed hilarious......check it out!
[b]MEN[/b]
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I have made amended to the linkOriginally posted by nooki:page cannot be found neh
pls try again -
remove the ">" at the end of the url.Originally posted by nooki:page cannot be found neh 
-
[color=indigo]A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy
I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!" -
[color=violet]A blonde is appearing for her University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.
She takes her seat in the Examination hall, stares at the
question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin
and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class
is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperatley throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches
her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour", she says, "Now I am
rechecking my answers." -
Haha Jany....that is a good one leh...
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A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
(Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX)
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed."Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
(Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA)
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
(Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada )
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA)
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
(Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA)
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
(Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR)
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how was your breakfast this morning?" "It was very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled, "KY Jelly."
(Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI)
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." -
-
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"