Jokes galore!
-
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff,
I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,
a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad -
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat wa!s
very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
***********************************************************************
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then! said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
***********************************************************************
(whoa....this one very funnie.....)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say,'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a
doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.
She's dead." -
Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them.
I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more!
-anonymous humorist -
0 - 5 yrs : we experience many spills
6 - 16 yrs : we undergo many drills
17 - 25 yrs : we discover many thrills
26 - 40 yrs : we have to pay many bills
41 - 60 yrs : we suffer many ills
61- 75yrs : we have to take many pills
76 yrs and more : we worry about our wills -
Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,' and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Okay,' he says, 'They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas? -
...found on toilet doors and walls
A budding poet trying his BEST
Graffiti 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I lie in stinky vapour, Because
some bastard stole
the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or
shall I linger, Or
shall I be forced to use my finger.
Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this....
Washroom Graffiti 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
Some one who had a different experience wrote
Washroom Graffiti 3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
Perhaps it is true that people get inspiration in toilets
Washroom Graffiti 4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
There are also people who come in for a different purpose
Washroom Graffiti 5
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
Toilets walls are also job advertisement places.......
Washroom Graffiti 6
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the
Singapore Fire Department wants you.
Ministry of environment advertisement
Washroom Graffiti 7
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!
Washroom Graffiti 8
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seen above a urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!
Washroom Graffiti 9
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the inside of a toilet door:
patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.
Washroom Graffiti 10
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sign at a swimming pool bathroom:
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!
Washroom Graffiti 11
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
This should teach you a lesson
Washroom Graffiti 12
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...
please aim properly. -
[color=brown]Wah xav..so many peoms on the toilet door meh? hmm....i wun be surprise if one of the writers are you!! kekekeke
-
I not so failure.. I prefer to use house toilet to do big business
-
Remove the > for easier reading Mistah X.
-
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy
young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could
offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly
counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!" -
One day, a panda walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down. He demanded to see the menu and ordered some food, to the astonishment of the waiter. When he finished eating, he stood up and walked off. The waiter immediately stopped him.
"How could you just eat and leave without paying?" asked the waiter
"Why not ? I'm a panda!!" came the reply.
"No way !! I'm not letting you leave without paying!" the waiter said.
The panda takes out a gun and shoots the waiter. The waiter died on the spot. The boss was too terrified to stop him, but he asked the panda,
"Why did you do that for?"
The panda replied, "Don't you know what a panda does? Look up the dictionary."
The terrified boss did as he was told. And there it was... in the dictionary....
"Panda (noun) - a great bear-family member in black and white, eats shoots and leaves."
Get it? Eats, Shoots and then Leaves! -
The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!" -
A Trip To The Doctor's Office
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like
this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
and still nothing.
We called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't
get the jar open."
HaHa - What were you thinking? -
Hi. This is (YOUR NAME):
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where
I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't
come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's probably you." -
A man is halled into court and is being sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said...
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!" -
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow! -
Well, driving in Singapore can be stressful, on you... and your car. It is important to have your car maintained regularly ... Especially having the oil changed. OK, here is a handy guide for ladies and gents on how to change the oil in your car.
Guide for Women
1. When the mileage reaches 5000 KM since the last oil change, tell your husband, and he will tell you to go to the nearest petrol kiosk.
2. Give your keys to the mechanic, tell him to take care of your baby and drink a cup of coffee.
3. 12 minutes 37 seconds later, pay with your credit card and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent
$40.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
Total: $41.00
Guide for Men
1. Go to auto cum hardware-shop and write and lay out $80 cash for oil, filter, sawdust, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to shop to recycle, dump in the drain in the garage ... if none, in the kitchen sink.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack. Find jack under kid's pedal car. Jack up car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Look for 9/16 box-end wrench.
7. Give up and use crescent wrench.
8. Unscrew drain plug. Yell "Oh F**k" when the crescent wrench slips and you lacerate your finger.
9. Place drain pan under engine.
10. Drop drain-plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. Yell out "F**king bastard".
11. Have another beer while oil is draining.
12. Look for oil filter wrench.
13. Call wife to see if she wants to give you a blow-job. Yell " Aw F**k" when you get the answer.
14. Have another beer, Clean up.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw sawdust on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. Oops, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11. Scream out "F**king Shit"...repeat step 19
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. Cry. "Yell Oh F**k" when you realize your wife is watching. Repeat Step 13 & 14.
28. Bang head on floorboard in reaction.
29. Begin swearing uncontrollably....Way more than before.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Yell out "Goddamned F**king Shit c**k-sucking bastard mother f**ker" over and over again for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left tit.
32. Clean up. Then apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 5 litres of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack.
38. Accidentally crush one toe in process. Cry.
39. Move car back to apply more sawdust to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car.
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent
$80 parts
$35 beer
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
$125 Wife's new dress (For bailing you out)
Total: $1440 -
[color=blue]A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said,
"When you can read this, come back and see me." 
[color=Violet]Exam Results
Dr. Willis finished examining Martha and went into the
hallway to talk to her husband Bill.
"I don't want to alarm you," he said to Bill, "but I don't
like the way your wife looks at all."
"Me neither, Doc." replied Bill. "But she's a great cook
and real good with the kids!"
[color=Indigo]~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
[i] Smile and The Whole World Smiles With You! -
[color=darkblue]A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son.
They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school."
He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday,
and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for..."
[color=Indigo]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
[color=Violet]Smile and The Whole World Smile With You!! -
A family in the Southern Province of China were puzzled when the
coffin of their dead mother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the
daughters.
The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space
left in it ! When they opened the lid , they found a letter on top which
read as follows:
Dear brothers and sisters, I am sending our mother's body to you
since it was her wish that she should be cremated in The compound of our
ancestral home in Tung Shin . Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid
leaves are consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12
cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of chocolates and packets of Lap Chong.
Please divide these among all of you. On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes(size 10) for Ah&nbs! p;boy.
Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons.
Hope the sizes are correct. Ahma is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large
size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them
among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ahma is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist. Kiasu Aunty, Ahma is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them. The 6 white cotton socks that Ahma is wearing must be divided among my teenager nephews. Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more required let me know, since our Ah Pa is also not keeping well nowadays I can send all required things when our Ah Pa also............. -
haha. nice one. xavier. -
Funny Man~!~!~! -
Got new movie! Combined story of Dark Waters, The Eye and The Ring! Horror of all horrors! Have to stay up all nite to watch! It's called Dark Eye Ring!!!
-
[color=darkblue]A young lady walked to her doctor and told him about her problem.
"Doc, my husband has a problem with erection and its killing our sex life...any suggestions?"
"Well, i could give you some viagra pills for him to try out."
"No way doc, he is a person who hates pills and could not even swallow an aspirin.
"Try slipping it into his coffee...that way he would not know."
So the lady went off. A few days later she came back to her doctor.
"So how was it?" asked the doctor.
"Well it was terrible..." the lady said in a daze.
"What happend? Didn't work out?"
"I did what you told me, i slipped it into his coffee and he drank it. Next moment he had a big erection and ripped off my clothes and made passionate love to me at the table."
"Then what is the problem?" the docotr getting abit annoyed...
"It was terrible....cause i would not be able to step into Mcdonalds anymore!!" -
dun reali get it leh, so does that mean they had sex in McDonald's?