Jokes galore!
-
Picking the wrong store...
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says,
"You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says...
"And you never told me that your father is a pharmacist!" -
How about some mandarin jokes?
Please turn on your speakers
http://dlb.pchome.net/game/flash/nethits/lpigandpig.swf -
When Bill Gates died, He went to the gates of hell...and there Satan was waiting for him.
"Well done my boy, for the effort you have done to be bad on earth, I shall let you choose the room which you want to suffer in."
Hence Bill went to the first room..there he saw all the people being pierced by the devils.
"Hell no way do I want to duffer like that!"
Then he proceeded on to the 2nd room, There he saw people being burnt in a hugepit of fire.
"Nah...I do not want to suffer like that either."
Then he went to the third room, It was empty except for a little computer at the corner.
"Hey...this is the kind of life i want. I shall stay in this room then."
Satan Looked at him and asked him,
"You sure?"
"Yes." And off Bill Gates went in.
The devil looked at Satan and asked him
"Why did you let him have this room? He loves computers so much!"
"Well, what he didn't know wasthis computer is operating on Windows 95 and three keys are missing."
The Devil asked "What 3 keys??"
Satan sniggerd and replied "Ctl, Alt and Del!" -
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, heÂ’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”
“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”
“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.” -
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think theyÂ’re deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think theyÂ’re dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think theyÂ’re cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them -
Late one night under the starry sky, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were sitting by the camp fire. The Lone Ranger pointed to a spot on the ground and said,
"Bug."
Tonto looked and nodded.
"Ladybug," said the Lone Ranger.
Tanto looked again and replied,
"Good eye."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains when Tonto suddenly stopped, climbed down off his horse and put his ear to the ground. The Lone Ranger waited a few seconds before asking Tonto,
"What is it?"
"Buffalo come," Tonto replied.
"How can you tell?"
"Ear sticky."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day Adam and Eve noticed God standing before them holding a bag.
"Hi, God. WhatÂ’s in the bag?" asked Eve.
"These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation." God rummaged around in the bag a moment. "Who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam immediately put his hand up in the air, waving frantically.
"Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"
"Well, all right," said God. "Now, letÂ’s see what we have for you, Eve."
God rummaged about a bit more in the bag.
"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
King Arthur was in MerlinÂ’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect mÂ’lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal "short arm" inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
-
Things Yoda says during sex
01.“Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!”
02.“Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”
03.“Feel the force!”
04.“Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things.”
05.“Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”
06.“Do me or do me not - there is no try.”
07.“Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”
08.“Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”
09.“When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?”
10.“Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!”
11.“Who’s your Jedi master? WHO’S your Jedi Master!?”
~CloneDa Sith Lord~ -
One morning a man tells a coworker that her hair smells nice. The woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisorÂ’s office, and declares sheÂ’s filing a sexual harassment suit.
"Come on," says the supervisor. "WhatÂ’s wrong with a guy telling you your hair smells nice?"
"HeÂ’s a midget!" -
Heard these 2 during a seminar...
One day, Satan and Jesus was fighting against each other saying who is better among the 2 of them and God saw it...And God said since both of you are good, why not let you guys have a test in IT. Then Satan and Jesus was both very happy...Since they both know so much.
Then God says, okay I give you 2 each with the same CPU and same program. Do what you want with the computer but 1 hr later, you must print out your results. So both of them were gleefully typing in MS words, excels, assess, powerpoint and everything else.
And suddenly 5 mins before time up power trip. Then Satan and Jesus was complaining and complaining...but when the power was restored in a while's time, Jesus was happily printing...And Satan was shocked..and ask God how come... And God's response was... "Jesus Saves...."
2nd one is rather cheezy...
Which 2 Brand of shampoo does Jesus use??
Rejoice and Follow Me... -
Ah Soh's Jokes
###############
Ah Soh wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.
Ah Soh : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Soh : "Give me a green one, please "
=============================================
Ah Soh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Soh : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Soh : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Soh : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Soh : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do?"
Ah Soh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it ?"
Ah Soh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke"
=============================================
After taking photocopies of documents Ah Soh always compare it with the
original for spelling mistakes.
=============================================
Ah Soh always smile during lightning storms. Because she thinks her
picture
is being taken.
=============================================
How can you tell if the fax is from Ah Soh ?
Because it has a postage stamp on it.
=============================================
Ah Soh and her friend board a double-decker bus.
Her friend get a seat downstair and Ah Soh goes upstair.
After a while, her friend goes upstair to look for Ah Soh and find her
clutching the seats in both hands and her body is shivering
Her friend : "What happen to you ? why are you shivering,
I was enjoying my ride downstair"
AhSoh : "Yeah, but you've got a driver" -
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it.
I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed." -
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
"Under the wagon!" replied the boy. -
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver,
being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to
cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the
contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can?
What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave." -
Okie...now World Cup Fever...so I tell you a football joke...here goes :-
Question : Why India did not qualify in the World Cup?
Answer : Casue each time they are given a corner, they set up a MAMA STORE!! -
Judi and Monika were walking down the road when Judi turns
to Monika and says, "Hey look at that dog with one eye!"
Monika covers up one of her eyes and says, "Where?" -
Weird Al Yankovic - The Jedi Song
Song to the tune of American Pie
A long, long time ago,
In a galaxy far away,
Naboo was under an attack.
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn,
Could talk the Federation in
to maybe cutting them a little slack.
But their response, it didn't thrill us,
They locked the doors and tried to kill us.
we escaped from that gas,
And met Jar Jar and Boss Nass.
We took a Bongo from the scene,
And we went to Theed to see the Queen.
We all wound up on Tatoonine,
That's where we found this boy.
Chourus: Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
Did you know this junkyard slave
isn't even old enough to shave,
but he can use the force, they say.
Oh, did you see him hittin on the Queen?
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen.
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her, some day.
Well, I know he built C-3PO,
And I heard how fast his pod can go.
And we were broke, it's true,
So we made a wager or two.
Well, he was a pre-pubescent flyin' ace.
And the minute Jabba started off that race,
I knew who'd win first place,
Oh yeah, it was our boy!
We started singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
Well, we finally got to Coruscant,
The Jedi council, we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be.
So we took him there and told a tale,
How his midi-chlorions were off the scale,
and he might fullfill that prophecy.
Oh, the council was impressed, of course,
Could he bring balance to the force?
They interviewed the kid,
Oh, training they forbid!
Because, Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, now listen here!
Just stick in your pointy ear,
I still, will teach this boy!
He was singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
We caught a ride back to Naboo,
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted too,
I frankly would've liked to stay.
We all fought in that epic war,
And it wasn't long at all before,
Little hot-shot flew his plane and saved the day.
And in the end some Gungans died.
Some ships blew up
And some pilots fried.
A lot of folks were croakin',
The battle droids were broken!
And the Jedi I admire most,
Met up with Darth Maul, and now he's toast
I'm still here, and he's a ghost
I guess, I'll train the boy.
And I was singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying
'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'
We were singing:
Oh my, my
This here Anakin guy.
May be Vader,
Some day later,
Now he's just a small fry.
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,
Saying
'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi, -
Top 10 Excuses For Falling Asleep At Your Desk
1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen."
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10 "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." -
Some Things You Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
"Some things you just can't explain." said the farmer.
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decided to try an answer,
"Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
"Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued.
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
"Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset! But that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
"Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain." shrugged the farmer. -
A patient in Woodbridge is singing on his bed.
At 1st, he sing with his back lying on the bed.........
~~~~ and sing and sing and sing.........
then later, he change his position with his face down ...........
The nurse ask him why he prone on the bed and sing?
He said:" Side A finished liao, now playing Side B " -
Two guys in jungle, come round a crner and meet a lion head on pawing the ground.
One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of
Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.
2nd guy hisses: "What are you doing, you can't outrun that lion".
1st guy says: "It's not the Lion that I have to outrun"! -
wahahahahgagagagaga
roflol
Xav the Woodbridge is a good one
i shall perform the stunt when i m there one day.... -
United Media Comic Strip Home Page
Get your daily comic strips here. -
Shoot Out the Lights
Dr . Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly
patients.
He asks, “And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?” Mr. Lim replies, “I feel
just fine, doc. But you know, itÂ’s the strangest thing. Every night when I
get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I
open the door!”
The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the
man’s son, and the son’s wife answers. The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Lim,
IÂ’m
a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up
to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes
on...”
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, “Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the
refrigerator again!”
Use Your Noodle
Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia,
“I’m going to find my gang to hantam you!”
So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow. Just then, Maggi Mee walked round the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted,
“Don’t think just because you perm your hair, we can’t recognise you, okay!”
Udderly ridiculous
How do you address a Hokkien cowÂ’s parents?
Cow peh cow bu.
How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
Because when it’s cold, they go “kwah, kwah, kwah”.
Why is cuttlefish considered kosher to the Hokkiens?
Because itÂ’s Jew Her.
How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)
How do Hokkien fish laugh?
Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish)
LetÂ’s Start at the Beginning...
WhatÂ’s the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?
Ang-mor fairy tales begin with: “Once upon a time...”
Hokkien fairy tales begin with: “Lim Peh ka li ko…”
Democratic Blasphemy
Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Chinese?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, Eve would have said,
“Quick, Adam! Catch the snake also! Snake also can eat, mah!”
Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Malay?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, both Adam and Eve would have said to him, “Relac lah! Tomorrow also can eat!”
Why is that Adam and Eve could not have been Indian?
Because they would have conned the snake into eating the apple.
Starting Young
One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.
However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldnÂ’t differentiate between them.
However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, “Heil Hitler!”
At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, “Clean that up!” -
A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window:
"Christian Horse for Sale."
Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.
The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.
He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."
The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "no, no," counseled the owner.
This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!"
The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found
that the horse would not stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."
The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country.
He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into the countryside.
Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.
The Pastor cried "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another.
Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed "AMEN!!!!!" just as the horse
approached the edge of the cliff.
The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands
to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!" -
[color=darkblue]Once there was this man who told his wife that he has a box underneath the closet and she should no matter what happens,go and open to box.
After 20 years has gone by and the wife respected her husband, not touching the box at all. But soon, curiosity got the better of her and hence decided to take a peek into the ox while the hisband was away.
In the box she found 3 empty cans and $1063 dollars. She was thinking how come her husband want to keep the empty cans..they look very ordinary.
Anyway that night, they went out for dinner. The wife could not resist and confessed to her husband that she peeked into the box. The husband did not blamed her. Then she asked her husband what are the empty cans for.
"Well, I am sorry but whenever i cheated on you, I would put an empty can into the box to remind myself not to do it again."
The wife then forgave the husband. Then she proceeded to ask about the cash in the box.
"Well when the box gets full, I will sell them to the recycling centre..hence that is the amount i have accumulated over the years!!, came the reply.