History of Chuck Norris.
Unbeknownst to many people, there is a deity greater than God. This deity, in fact, created God. That is to say, he created ALL of the Gods. These Gods were created to do the greater deity's bidding, for the greater deity felt no compulsion to do little things himself.
That deity is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is time and and space. Chuck Norris is the universe. Chuck Norris giveth, and Chuck Norris taketh away. This is the history of the eternal Chuck Norris.
If you add up all the Chuck Norris in the world, your head would explode becuase YOU COULD NOT COMPREHEND IT!!!!!
In the beginning, there was Chuck, and only Chuck. From nothing, Chuck brought forth God to handle his light work. Then, God created the universe, and within the universe, Earth, all in seven days. Chuck then spake unto God, "Seven days and all you have to show for it is one measly universe and a semi-sentient race? FOOL!" and smote thusly the unworthy God.
Chuck then created a new God. Throughout history, humans never once noticed that Chuck destroyed and created new Gods quite frequently. In any case, they were pleased when this God gave them a a giant garden all for them. Also, this God created several more universes, a multiverse, and an omniverse, though no one is exactly sure what the multiverse and omniverse are like. Sadly, these universes didn't get along very well, and started to war immediately. The inter-universe war lasted for many millions of years, and God could do nothing to rectify his mistake. Chuck, while fully capable of ending the war, decided to sit idely by and watch, because it was funny.
Anyway, after an incident with a talking snake and an apple tree, the humans were banished from their garden. God had wanted to give them another chance, but Chuck said, "If you don't punish them, they'll never learn." Then, Chuck smote God for second-guessing him. Chuck then created another new God, though this one seemed rather more competent than his predecessors.
Pleased, Chuck then allowed history to unravel as it would, all under the watchful eye of his Gods. Chuck would only interfere when one of his Gods screwed up badly. The following is a history of the divine actions of His Holiness, Chuck Norris.
Before detailing the actions of Chuck, it is important to know the chronological order in which things happened, and the names of the eras in which they took place. Note that not all of Chuck's actions are listed here.
* The Era of Learning - Primitive man learns to wield his intelligence like a blunt axe.
o Chuck gives the primitive people fire.
o Chuck invents the wheel, and, subsequently, the first automobile.
o Chuck invents the lightsaber, igniting a bloody war between primitive tribes.
* The Age of Strife - Primitive man learns to wield his lightsaber like a blunt axe.
o Chuck inadvertantly destroys the supercontinent Pangaea, splitting it apart and seperating the tribes.
o Not intending to stop the war, Chuck gives the humans sailing technology.
o Chuck opens a rift in space-time, allowing the Jedi of a different universe to step through. The Jedi, with their superior Force powers, steal the lightsabers of the humans and effectively end the Age of Strife.
o Norris follows back through the rift where he became bored and creates the wookie race. He returned with his great grandson Chewbacca after training Darth Vader to become awesome rather then a cry baby.
* The Epoch of Peace - Primitive man takes a break from killing stuff.
o Chuck shows the humans how to build a house. Trading Spaces becomes a hit TV show.
o Chuck decides it's a good time for a nap. What could go wrong?
* The Dark Times - Primitive man is tortured by an evil entity.
o With Chuck sleeping, another omnipotent entity rises - the evil Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee used his powers for malevolent purposes, causing pain and suffering among the humans.
o Bruce kills an entire colony of Indonesian midgets for no reason. Chuck continues to sleep.
o Indiana Jones and the Van Helsing family form an alliance to protect the world while Chuck slept but nearly failed.
o Bruce accidently sets off Mount Vesuvius while fighting Indiana Jones for the last ring needed to awaken his master. The smell of sulfur awoke mighty Chuck, who was enraged at the sight of his planet being torn apart.
* The Universal War - Primitive man is caught in the middle of a war between deities.
o Chuck and Bruce began battling for supremacy. However, both wield great and indescribable power and fight to a stand-off.
o Chuck and Bruce set rules for a game. The game would ultimately decide who would rule the multitude of universes created by Chuck's Gods. Game of Death
o The Universal war is accurately detailed in the Animorphs series by K.A. Applegate. Bruce is represented by the character called Crayak, whereas Chuck is represented by the mighty Ellimist.
* The Invention Period - Primitive man becomes regular man.
o After winning the Universal War, Chuck bestowed humans with greater intelligence, and thus began the Invention Period.
o Chuck tought man the power of rock and roll so that he could be summoned from the depths of the Antartic Sea if he ever wanted to take a nap again.
o Norris gambled Cher into existace. The world would forever then be destined to be destroyed. When Chuck sobbered up the enxt morning he saw Cher and was comitted to inventing first underwear, and then pants.
o Chuck mentions something about the speed of light while talking to Albert Einstein. The theory of relativity is the result.
o Chuck accidentally dropped his model Model T while painting it. Henry Ford makes millions.
o Chuck oversees the creation of the first android, later mentoring it in the art of round house kicking. The android later adopts the name Yngwie Eric Carlos Johann Sebastian Chuck Norris Malmsteen and develops Malm Fu and mastered Guitar in 3 weeks after leaving Chuck Norris's Mega Kingdom
* The Contemporary Period - Regular man does... stuff.
o Chuck creates a band of angels to enforce his will on Earth.
o Steven spielberg forces harison Ford to inacuratly depict his Indiana Jones heritage and leaves out the true source of his power frm the movies. Chuck Norris then freed Ford from the vile clutches of Spielberg.
o Chuck makes his presence known to humans for the first time, to a young man named Alann Mendoza. The Disciples of Chuck, the first religious group worshipping Chuck Norris, comes about.
o Chuckism forms not long after the Disciples of Chuck due to the techings of Chuck Norris and three of his greatest disciples, including the late Steve Irwin, and the now free Harrison Ford.
o Chuck designs Gigantor to hunt down Spielberg and any one else that dares question the power of He Who Is Norris.
* The age of Destruction- the not too distant future.
