I've been invited here to tell you the story about a man by the name of Tan Ah Teck and a talking tree.
By the way my name is not Tan Ah Teck and I am not an honest man.
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Introduction
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
I think it was last month or maybe two months ago I am not very sure. What I am sure was it was slightly past midnight and Ah Teck was feeling very hungry. In fact he was starving. He had not eaten anything since lunch, and all he had back then was a bowl of instant-noodles. Ah Teck loves instant-noodles; they are cheap and yet filling. Best of all, he always feels warm after having a nice big bowl of these delicious noodles. It reminds him of the old days when the whole family would sit down together enjoying their piping hot instant-noodles. They had them for breakfast, they had them for lunch and they had them for dinners. In fact they had instant-noodles every day. On a few occasions, if Ah Teck was lucky enough, his mum would managed to save some noodles soups just in case Ah Teck felt hungry at night. You must know that Ah TeckÂ’s mum loved him very much.
Then one day Ah TeckÂ’s dad never returned home from work and Ah Teck noticed that his servings of instant-noodles were getting smaller. But Ah Teck didnÂ’t complain. Although the servings were smaller but he was given more soups. Ah Teck was a good boy.
Did Ah Teck misses his dad? Frankly I am not too sure myself (Since I am not Tan Ah Teck and I am not an honest man) but I do know that he once asked his mum regarding his dad and even threatened to run away from home to find him. He got a tight slap from her and that was the first and last time he mentioned his dad in front of his mum. And when she passed away two years ago, Ah Teck was alone in this world.
Now back to the story. As he dragged his tired body home something caught his attention - It was a huge tree beside the RC center near his block. There was something sinister about that tree he thought. But maybe it was only sinister to Ah Teck because for the past two months, residents living nearby had been flocking here to pray for 4D numbers. Once there was even a journalist from the local newspaper interviewing some residents. “How ridiculous! Tree giving away 4D numbers? These people must be crazy! I may be poor but I am not stupid,” Ah Teck mumbled as he walked past the tree.
And then something strange happened - someone or something was trying to get his attention in the dark.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
It must be the wind, Ah Teck tried to comfort himself, or maybe it was because he was too hungry.
Then it happened again.
This time there was no mistake. It was that tree that was whispering to him. But how could that be? Ah Teck was shivering with fear. He thought he was going crazy. He thought he was going to die.
“Dude, can you really hear me calling you?” asked the voice
“What are you going to do? Are you going to kill me? Are you really a talking tree? Please don’t kill me, please I don’t want to die” begged Ah Teck. He was going to faint.
“Clam down dude. You got no fucking balls ah? So easily afraid.” said the tree.
“You… you really can talk?”
“Of course I can fucking talk. All trees can talk it is just that you human are too fucking stupid to hear us. Don’t believe me ask the squirrels.”
“Oh my god! I am talking to a tree!” cried Ah Teck.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, big deal. Wait until I tell those cats that I managed to TALK to a fucking human. They will surly be amazed”, said the tree as it shook its leaves in disbelief.
“Stop looking stupid, I need your help”, continued the tree.
“Er what do you want me to do?”
“First of all, what is your name?”
“My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.”
“Look Ah Teck, I really don’t give a fuck whether you are an honest man or not. Hey, I don’t even care if you are a man. What I need from you is to be my spokesman.”
“A what?” asked Ah Teck looking terribly confused.
“A fucking spokesman, my assistant, my slave. I am your fucking master! Do you understanding?”
“Er I don’t think I understand.”Although he failed his PSLE but he knew something was very wrong with that tree. Nobody deserved to be a slave but he was just too weak to run away.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
“Okay you want to hear a secret? You know the RC Chairman, Paul Lam Pa?” asked the tree.
“Er Paul who?” asked Ah Teck. (Who the fuck call himself Paul Lam Pa, I also have no idea)
“Paul Lam Pa, the RC Chairman, do you know who is he?” cried the tree.
“Er no?” answered Ah Teck.
He was really not sure if that was the correct answer. His primary school teachers used to call him an idiot because he always gave the wrong answers in class. He really preferred to be called retarded. He is also not sure why but retarded sound better than idiot. Most importantly his classmates loved it too. They always laughed when they called him that. Ah Teck was a good boy. He likes to make people happy.
“Paul Lam Pa is the RC Chairman of this area and he is also the moron who wants to chop me down. I heard he wants to build a fitness corner right here. The residents have also complained to him that I am getting too huge and is blocking their views!” cried the tree.
“Er so?” asked Ah Teck timidly.
“So I am going to fucking die if I am not going to do something about it you idiot!” screamed the tree.
“But... but I thought you were getting along quite well with the residents, you know the 4D thing?”
“The fact is I am no fucking magic tree and I don’t fucking know any lucky 4D numbers. It all started when some idiots started going around telling people that praying to me will give them lucky 4D numbers!”
At this point, Ah Teck really believed that at any time the tree would sway one of its branches at his head and he would be killed instantly. But luckily the tree seemed to clam down after a while. Ah Teck really doesnÂ’t want to die a virgin you know.
“Look I am no magic tree. I have no sure-win 4D numbers to give them. Just because some idiots (Ah Teck really hates it whenever he hears this word) win some moneys and they think it is because of me. The problem is for the past few weeks NOBODY have won anything and if I am not going to do something about it soon Paul Lam Pa is going to chop me down.”
“Ah Teck” the tree continued, “I really need your help. And the fact is that nobody can fucking hear me expect you!”
Ah Teck could sense a hint of desperation in its voice and for the first time he felt sorry for the tree.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
“So what exactly do you want me to do?” asked Ah Teck.
Frankly Ah Teck wasnÂ’t feeling very comfortable with helping a talking tree. He doesnÂ’t mind making friends with a talking dog or maybe even a talking cat but a talking tree? What so interesting about trees anyway? They are stuck in a place forever having no places to go. Ah Teck doesnÂ’t like trees, trees remind him of himself.
“I need you to go talk to Paul Lam Pa.” replied the tree.
“Talk to him about what?” asked Ah Teck. (I think Ah Teck is getting smart)
“You tell him that you I’ve visited you in your dream and with immediate effect I will only give lucky 4D numbers through you.”
“But, but you just told me that you are not a magic tree and you don’t have any lucky 4D numbers” protested Ah Teck yet feeling a bit silly. (He should, who’ve heard of trees giving away 4D numbers, not me at least.)
“Are you fucking deaf? Didn’t I just told you that I will be hacked to pieces by that ungrateful Paul Lam Pa if I doesn’t take any actions?” cried the tree starting to raise its temper again. (Paul Lam Pa used to hanky panky with his numerous ex-girlfriends under the tree late in the night when he thought nobody was looking. Well the tree did provide them with some good covers you know.)
“But, but …”
“No but but me, just do what I’ve told you and I will take care of the rest. Oh and in case he didn’t believe you, tell him you know where he keeps his X-rated VCDs and panties collection. I will contact you again when the time is right. Now go!”
That basically account for Ah TeckÂ’s first encounter with the tree one month, er maybe two months ago. (Gosh I am really getting too old for this story telling shit.)
So the very next day, our friend Tan Ah Teck came knocking on Paul Lam PaÂ’s door early in the morning. Of course Ah Teck first politely introduced himself, (not forgetting to stress that he is an honest man) before telling Paul Lam Pa regarding his dream and the tree. Initially Paul Lam Pa thought Ah Teck was mad (Paul Lam Pa really hated it when Ah Teck insisted on addressing him by his full name) and was about to call the police when Ah Teck told him about the X-rated VCDs and panties collections.
For a while, Paul Lam Pa was stunned. He was speechless. He didnÂ’t know how to react. How in the world did Ah Teck knows about his X-rated VCDs and panties collections? And the terrible fact was Ah Teck knew EXACTLY where he had kept them. Someone must have been spying on him. It must be the Vice-Chairman who has been eyeing for his position for a long time. Or maybe it was the treasurer, he was sure that horny woman has a crush on him but he simply was not interested in her. Bitch! But what if Ah Teck was telling the truth.
Better play safe then to be sorry and two days later Tan Ah Teck was appointed as the Tree Keeper by the Committee.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
LetÂ’s pause for a while before I continue the story and I will try my best to answer some of your questions. I am really getting too old for this so please bear with me.
Q1: What is this forum about?
A1: Basically this forum is about a man by the name of Tan Ah Teck and a talking tree. Of course there are more to it but that will be the latter part. Most of you might not be interested in what the latter part had to offer anyway which is a good thing.
Q2: Is it important to know what kind of tree is this talking tree?
A2: Maybe yes, maybe no.
Q3: Who is Tan Ah Teck?
A3: Maybe you are Tan Ah Teck, maybe your neighbour is Tan Ah Teck, maybe there is a Tan Ah Teck in everyone of us, maybe Tan Ah Teck is just simply Tan Ah Teck. Hell maybe I am Tan Ah Teck. But do you really care who is Tan Ah Teck?
Q4: Is he really an honest man?
A4: You decide.
Q5: Who am I and what am I doing here?
A5: My NAME is not Tan Ah Teck and I am not an honest man. IÂ’ve been invited here to tell a story. As simple as that.
Q6: Will this forum be forgotten by January 2007?
A6: To be honest I donÂ’t fucking care. I donÂ’t think Tan Ah Teck cares, I donÂ’t think the talking tree cares and I donÂ’t think Paul Lam Pa cares. (I think he cares more about his X-Rated VCDs and panties collections)
To be honest, tell me do you really care?
My name is not Tan Ah Teck and I am not an honest man.
Now back to the story Â…
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
Almost a week had past and the tree didnÂ’t try to contact Ah Teck.
Not surprisingly nobody won any prizes in 4D for that week. In fact none of the residents had won anything for the more than a month and some of the residents were getting restless. ‘When are you going to build the fitness corner?” asked one of the residents during the Meet-the-People session. “When are you going to chop down that old tree? It is blocking the sunlight you know!” cried another man slamming his fist on the table. “You are a fucking RC Chairman you know you are supposed to serve us!” screamed an old man.
Paul Lam Pa was feeling the heat and he didnÂ’t like it a bit. (He prefers the other kind of heat that takes place in his bedroom but I will not elaborate since this is not a story about Paul Lam Pa and the talking doll)
“Ah Teck, I trusted you and you’ve let me down! You’ve let the residents down! Where are the lucky 4D numbers that you’ve promised to give me?” demanded Paul (Forgive me but I am too lazy having to type Lam Pa so often and I am starting to see balls whenever I type his full name which is a bad thing)
“But, but…” poor Ah Teck, he didn’t know what to say. The tree has not spoken to him since their first encounter one week ago. How the hell is he going to come up with lucky 4D numbers? Dad was right all along, one must be honest, one must not gamble, one must not cheat. He started to cry.
“But my elite’s ass lah but and stop crying lah you sissy. If you don’t come up with something by next week, I will chop down that damn tree and kick your fat ass out of the committee” threatened Paul, “Have I make myself clear?” (At this point I need to clarify something i.e. Ah Teck is NOT fat. He is a short skinny fellow with a funny face. Someone commented that he looks like ET and he can’t sing.)
“Yes, I will try” answered Ah Teck timidly. Ah Teck thought he was going to die.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
Later that night when Ah Teck thought that everyone else was asleep he gathered his courage and approached the tree. (Honestly there is something sinister about that tree. I know because IÂ’ve seen it before.)
“Hello Mr. Tree, it is me Ah Teck, can you hear me?”
No reply.
Ah Teck tried again, “Hello Mr. Tree. I’ve done what you’ve told me and I am now the Tree Keeper. Can you tell me what I should do next?”
Still no reply.
Now Ah Teck is getting angry and he did something he should have done long time ago. He shouted “FUCK YOU!” and give the tree a good hard kick. (I am not encouraging you to do the same thing because if you start going around fucking trees and giving them a hard time sooner or later you will get yourself into trouble. You may accidentally fuck a tree planted by the MP many years ago during one of Tree Planting Day sessions and get yourself into BIG trouble. The Town Council and RC Committee will crucify you.)
“Why the fuck you do that for!” bellowed the tree. (Sometimes you need to kick ass to get others attentions. But I really wonder why the nearby residents didn’t hear a thing. Maybe they simply don’t care.)
“Where have you been?” asked Ah Teck. (I think that is a stupid question, doesn’t he knows that the tree is stuck here just like him? But I think you clever readers know what Ah Teck really meant right. I really like Ah Teck.)
“That is a fucking stupid question, don’t you know I am stuck here just like you?” replied the tree.
“No, what I meant was …”
“Shut up and listen to me. I’ve come up with a brilliant solution to our problem. It is a win-win solution and you should be glad that I am here to save your ass,” said the tree. (Actually since when is it Ah Teck’s problem.)
“I have created a brilliant system that is able to come out with wining 4D combinations!” continued the tree.
“But you told me that is impossible. Besides, you are not even a magic tree?” said Ah Teck suspiciously.
“Yes I am no magic tree, but I am a clever tree! Actually I am a SUPER BRILLIANT tree!!!!HAHAHAHA!!!” laughed the tree hysterically.
Ah Teck didnÂ’t like the sound of it a bit. Something is not right.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
For those who are interested to know more, do read on. But for those who are not interested, this is the end of the story.
My name is not Tan Ah Teck and I am not an honest man.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
“So what is this “brilliant” system of yours?” asked Ah Teck.
“Okay do you know how many possible combinations are there in a 4D system, 10,000 fucking different combinations dude! And guess what, I can come up with 1,000 combinations for the residents to choose from. One of them is bound to strike something right? Tell me am I brilliant or what?”
“Let me get this straight. You expect the residents to spend $1,000 to buy 4D.” asked Ah Teck in disbelief.
“Er no. It is $3,000, $1,000 for Saturday, $1,000 for Sunday and $1,000 for Wednesday” replied the tree sounding very pleased with itself. (I feel like chopping it down myself when I first heard this.)
“Are you crazy? Who in his right mind will come up with $3,000 to buy 4 D” asked Ah Teck. (I am not sure what $3,000 means to you, but it means A LOT to Ah Teck.)
“Okay, what about 800 combinations?”
“That will still be $2,400 you know.” said Ah Teck getting more and more depressed.
“You humans are so greedy, then what about 600 combinations?”
“No, No, No!!!” cried Ah Teck.
“Okay final deal, 500 combinations. I am no magic tree you know.”
“I know you are no magic tree but if someone would to follow your system he would have to come up with $1,500 to buy 4D. That is still too much!” cried Ah Teck. (I totally agree with Ah Teck. If you don’t gamble, don’t start.)
“Look I can’t fucking guarantee that everyone who prayed to me will strike 4D. There is simply no such thing! Imagine if everyone who prayed to me were to strike then nobody will have to work. What’s so difficult to understand?
“I understand, but who will come up with $1,500 to buy 4D?” Ah Teck thought he was going to faint again.
“There are more to it, can you please stop fucking interrupt?” snapped the tree.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
“Let’s say we fix it at 500 combinations” continued the tree, “I will then proceed to divide them into 25 different slips i.e. each slip containing 20 different combinations. Get it now?”
“Er no?” answered Ah Teck.
“What do you mean no!” cried the tree.
“You have 25 slips right and each slip contains 20 combinations right, but how does that help someone to win 4d? Can you really guaranteed someone will win?”
“What I can guaranteed is 95%, er, maybe 90% of the time that at least one of the slip will win something.” replied the tree confidently.
“But doesn’t this also means that only one out of 25 people will win?” asked Ah Teck. (I think he is getting smarter, do you think so?)
“I didn’t guarantee that everyone would win, did I? Imagine if there are 100 people, we will have at least four winners right? Aren’t that great? At least they won’t chop me down for the time being.
“So instead of spending $1,500 all you need is to spend a total of $60 for Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday. And if you are feeling lucky you need only to bet $20 on a single day!” continued the tree.
“But $20 is still a lot of money for many people” said Ah Teck, “don’t you have a cheaper system?”
“You humans are really too much. So what do you want me to do next, come up with a fucking system for TOTO? Look I need your help because YOU are the only person who can communicate with me. It is actually very simple. What I will do is on every Thursday or Friday I will give you the 500 combinations and your job is to divide them into 25 slips with 20 combinations each. So when the residents come for lucky 4D numbers just give them a slip each. Of course you can print a few copies if there is a need. Don’t tell me you can’t handle such a simple task?”
“I think I get it but do you know that if I buy all the combinations from 0000 – 0499, I will still win something?” asked Ah Teck. (Ah Teck is right, we don’t need this stupid system anyway.)
“Er really? But if I give them these combinations they will think that I am cheating them.” protested the tree.
“But you are cheating them what, only one out of 25 people will win and it is only 90% chance. Besides, I don’t want to encourage people to gamble. I don’t buy 4D and my dad used to tell me not to gamble too.”
“Let me get this straight once and for all. Firstly I am no magic tree. It is impossible for me to let everyone win. (Who can? At least 90% is better than 66.6%) The best I can do is to ensure at least one out of 25 persons will win something over a period of three days. Secondly I am not encouraging people to gamble, these combinations are for those people who are already into buying 4D all these while. And lastly my dear Ah Teck, don’t you trust me?” asked the tree in its sweetest possible voice. (Run for your life! Switch off your PC! It’s a trick! Don’t be fooled by it!)
My name is Tan Ah Teck and I am an honest man.
End of this thread.
In the future, either Ah Teck or me will continue the story.
