Kiri Left Zuo Jokes Corner
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One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about.
Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!" -
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!" -
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." -
Originally posted by monkeybusiness:How do Hokkien fish laugh?
Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish)
How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)
How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
Because when it's cold, they go "kwah, kwah, kwah".
There were four buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.
One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).
The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.
So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)"
The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"
The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"
Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"
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Originally posted by monkeybusiness:Surinder Singh's uncle was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!" So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal.
The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked. The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"
Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American. "Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American. "What is it?" asked the American. "Sweets of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "pooooooooot!" sound from the uncle. "What was that?" asked the American, holding his nose in disgust. The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India." -
A couple drove their car to K-Mart. Their
car broke down in the parking lot. The man told
his wife to go on with the shopping while he fixed
the car there in the lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the
man was in shorts, they had ridden up his legs, and
his lack of underpants had turned his private parts
into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his
shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by. The poor mechanic under the car
had to have three stitches in his head. -
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." -
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman. -
The Diffce between man n woman's haircut.
Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman1: Oh God, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts -- I think that would look so cute. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -- see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier . . .
Man1: Haircut?
Man2: Yup. -
Originally posted by BabyLover:A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" -
THE FAMILY
A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard
of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how
many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife
replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and
asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how
you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God
made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about
who should brew the coffee
each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed
says.......... "HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for
an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake m e at
5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to
discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."