Kiri Left Zuo Jokes Corner
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Pretty bored, so let me post some jokes i got from sms and email...
Q: What's common between a wealthy brilliant cute charming considerate lovable forever faithful husband...and Osama bin Laden?
A: BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND! -
they hiding in Far Left
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Woman has 'MAN' in it. Mrs has 'MR' in it. Female has 'MALE' in it. She has 'HE' in it. Madam has 'ADAM' in it.
No wonder 'MEN' always wanted ot be INSIDE WOMEN!
......... -
inside the cavern of warmthOriginally posted by laurence82:Woman has 'MAN' in it. Mrs has 'MR' in it. Female has 'MALE' in it. She has 'HE' in it. Madam has 'ADAM' in it.
No wonder 'MEN' always wanted ot be INSIDE WOMEN!
.........
i find solice n peace
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The Talking Triplets
Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.
In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.
The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".
The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".
And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off". -
Restaurant Ergonomics
This guy is eating at an exclusive eatery when the waiter comes up to his table and asks if everything is OK. The man replies "Yes," but during the conversation drops his spoon on the floor. The waiter immediately pulls a spoon out of his shirt pocket.
The man asks, "Why do you carry a spoon in your pocket?"
The waiter states that the place is so busy all the time that the employees need to save time any way they can so they did a survey and the most dropped eating utensil was the spoon, so now all the waiters carry spoons so they don't have to go to the kitchen and get one. The man thinks that is great.
Later on the waiter again stops by to see if everything was OK. This time the man notices a string sticking out of the waiters zipper. He asks what that was for, and the waiter says, "When we go to the bathroom, we just grab the string and pull "it" out. That way we don't have to wash our hands, thus saving us time.
"Interesting," says the man, "but how do you put 'it' back in your pants when you're done?"
The waiter says, "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon." -
Definitely
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY Shit my pants..." -
BBL learning from babies in school.
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Originally posted by BabyLover:Definatley
Definitely
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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The Last Chicken
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal.
That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you.
You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls
it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!" -
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" -
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis."
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Q. Why does the loch ness monster rarely surface?
A. Becos he's got cable
gawd damn its sooo lame its funny.. -
.........Originally posted by LeftBallBigger:Q. Why does the loch ness monster rarely surface?
A. Becos he's got cable
gawd damn its sooo lame its funny.. -
Originally posted by laurence82:.........
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n ahlau is speechless...Originally posted by laurence82:......... -
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" -
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" -
My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was
such an embarressment.. My mom ran a small
shop at a flea market. She collected little weeds
and such to sell... Anything for the money we
needed she was such an embarressment. There
was this one day during elementary school.. It was
field day, and my mom came. I was so
embarressed. how could she do this to me? i
threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school... "your mom only has one
eye?!?!" ..and they taunted me.
I wished that my mom would just dissappear from
this world so i said to my mom, "mom.. why dont
you have the other eye?! if you're only gonna make
me a laughingstock, why dont you just die?!!!"
my mom did not respond.. I guess i felt a little bad,
but at the same time, it felt good to think that i had
said what i'd wanted to say all this time.. Maybe it
was because my mom hadnt punished me, but I
didnt think that i had hurt her feelings very badly.
That night... I woke up, and went to the kitchen to
get a glass of water. my mom was crying there, so
quietly, as if she was afraid that she might wake
me. I took a look at her, then turned away.
because of the thing i had said to her earlier,
there was something pinching at me in the corner
of my heart. Even so, i hated my mother who was
crying out of her one eye. so i told myself that i
would grow up and become successful. Cause i
hated my one-eyed mom and our desperate
poverty..
Then i studied real hard. I left my mother and came
to Seoul and studied, and got accepted in the
Seoul University with all the confidence i had.
Then, i got married. I bought a house of my own.
then i had kids, too.. Now i'm living happily as a
successful man. I like it here because it's a place
that doesnt remind me of my mom.
This happiness was getting bigger and bigger,
when..
what?! who's this?! ...it was my mother...
..still with her one eye. It felt as if the whole sky
was falling apart on me.my little girl ran away,
scared of my mom's eye. And i asked her,
"who are you?!" "i dont know you!!!" as if trying to
make that real. I screamed at her," how dare you
come to my house and scare my daughter!"
"GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"
And to this, my mother quietly answered, "oh, i'm
so sorry. i may have gotten the wrong address,"
and she dissappeared out of sight.
Thank goodness... she doesnt recognize me.. was
quite relieved.
I told myself that i wasnt going to care, or think
about this for the rest of my life. Then a wave of
relief came upon me...
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came
to my house. so, lying to my wife that i was going
on a business trip, i went. after the reunion, i went
down to the old shack, that i used to call a
house...just out of curiosity
There, i found my mother fallen on the cold ground.
but i did not shed a single tear. She had a piece of
paper in her hand.... it was a letter to me.
my son... i think my life has been long enough
now.. and... i wont visit Seoul anymore...
but would it be too much to ask if i wanted you to
come visit me once in a while? i miss you so
much.. and i was so glad when i heard you were
coming for the reunion. but i decided not to go to
the school. ...for you... and i'm sorry that i only
have one eye, and i was an embarressment for
you.
you see, when you were very little, you got into an
accident, and lost your eye. as a mom, i couldnt
stand watching you having to grow up with only
one eye... soi gave you mine... i was so proud of
my son that was seeing a whole new world for me,
in my place, with that eye. i was never upset at
you for anything you did.. the couple times
that you were angry with me,..
i thought to myself, 'it's because he loves me..'
my son... oh, my son... -
and zen creeps in d back door..
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Ah Seng: Wah knn this Silvia sibeh uglee
Ah Kua : Really ar?
Ah Seng : Ya damn uglee..buah tahan man
Ah Kua : Really ar?
Ah Seng: Ya..damned uglee.. someone told me when
she was small her dog also don't want to play
with her
Ah Kua : Wahh! knn dan how?
Ah Seng: Her mother tie a pork chop around her neck
so the dog will play with her
Ah Kua : Wah knn jialat sia -
*me see a ball of dust rolling across the floor*
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The Goodnight Kiss
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ?Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..." -
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger Tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to Fuck with the Lone Ranger."