More Jokes...
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Joke for 13 Jun 2004:
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only
24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they
both had a long cry over it, he askED her if she would have
sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her
again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you
think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have
sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from
exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again,
"You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about
again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly
agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later,
he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to
keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left
before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and
says, "You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I
do!!!" -
wahahahhaa...
*looks around for coolger to ask the same question*
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si croco.. so finally u dying liao.. dun let me see u after 24 hrs later hor!!Originally posted by sgboy2004:wahahahhaa...
*looks around for coolger to ask the same question* 
and dun touch my coolger!! hahaha -
More jokes...
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily,
a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy
didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Croco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer
why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only
one pulling, he wouldn't even try!" -
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain! -
MARRIAGE
Friend: How many women do you believe a man must marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says "4" richer, "4" poorer, "4" better
and "4" worse. 
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Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're hereor not."
( SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." RIGHT ON, LADY!)
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. -
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time".
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....
"HEBREWS" -
heard this on class95fm
a man suffering from migraine for many years goes to a doctor.
the doctor sees him and after reading his med record that he has been seeing many docs and trying out every method but failed to cure him and so he says
" this method is something i didnt learn from my studies as a doc but as personal experience. i also suffer from migraines too and this is waht i do.
when i get home, go soak in a hot bath for a while and i ask my wife to wipe my forehead with the hottest water i can tolerate. and after that, despite the migrains, i force myself to have sex with my wife and at this point, it all disappears. go try it for 6weeks and see me after that"
so the man tries and 6weeks later he returns,
" hey doc! i must say yr remedy is very effective. for the first time someone has helped me"
doc says " dont mention it. it's my job"
the man then says " eh doc, u've got a nice house"
Saint Pat. -
A man appears in court requesting a divorce.
After reviewing the papers, the judge turns to him. “Please tell me why I should grant this,” he asks.
“Because,” the man replies, “we live in a two-storey house.”
The judge looks at him sternly. “What kind of a reason is that? What’s the big deal about a two-storey house?”
“Well, your honour,” the man answers, “one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month again, honey’.” -
A GREAT idea!!!!!!!!
THE SPOON: (A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.)
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he, too, had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all
the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked:
"Why the spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon after enjoying my soup, and, yes, he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon the next time I go into the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly..
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked our waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%." "After you get it out," I inquired, "how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon." -
One day an evil witch took over the forest,
''One-by-one, all of you useless animals have to come up here and tell a joke... if everybody laughs, you will be spared... or else I'll cut off your head!''
The monkey went up first and told such a funny joke that all the animals laughed except fot a tortoise.. so the witch cut off his head.
Next, a giraffe went up and she, in turn told a joke that set all the animals off laughing... but still, the tortoise did not laugh...so the witch cut off her head.
Then, the rabbit went up... but before she could say a word, the tortoise started laughing...
''Why are you laughing you stupid tortoise?'' the witch asked.
"The monkey's joke was very funny...'' was the reply. -
One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town. As he was standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little car and offered him a ride
Gratefully, he accepted. After putting along merrily for a few kilometers, the engine sputtered and the car rolled to a halt. Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into the fuel intake. When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much to Mr Caterpillar's amazement!
However, he did not say a word. The car went on for quite some distance before the engine died again. This time, it was Mother Bee who urinated into the fuel intake, and again, the car started up after that. The process was then repeated again for Baby Bee.
By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was only a few kilometers from town. Not wanting to appear unsophisticated, Mr Caterpillar got out of the car without a word, and started opening the fuel cap.
In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car. "What are you doing?" asked Papa Bee.
"I'm going to piss in the fuel intake, just like you did", said Mr Caterpillar.
"Oh, no", said Papa Bee patiently, "that won't do. This car only runs on Bee Pee (BP)." -
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him.
The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." -
wahahahahhaha
so funni...slow tortise...and mi will not use spoons in restaurants anymore... whahahahha
and mi will go catch bees to fill up my tank
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From Saint Pat too..
A man went to a mental hospital to visit a friend, on his way to the ward he heard from a distance....
"THIRTEEN..... THIRTEEN.... THIRTEEN.... "
Curious, he walked towards the voice and finally came to a wall. He saw a hole and tries to peep in..
Suddenly something poke him in the eye...
It was so painful, he fell to his knees and rolled over in pain...
"FOURTEEN..... FOURTEEN.... FOURTEEN...." -
eh... thot got jokes... but still can see my name inside?
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hey...
these r real perk me up jokes u've here...
i'll b tuning in here more often....
here's one tat i noe of...
there's a Fat Cat & 3 mice in a house...
one fine day... e 3 mice met up to la-kopi...
mouse Alpha: u noe e rat poison they serve outiside? those r my vitamins...
mouse Beta: aiyoh tat one... no kick lah... u noe tat mouse trap? i use tat 4 own muscle training ah....
mouse Gamma:
cheh... u both noe tat fat cat out there??
u noe who Y it's stomache is swelling boh??
selina