from my madness
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2003-06-14 - 11:53 p.m.
haven written for a while....(do i always say that??)today i realise how expensive it is to survive in sg...a small flat that ultimatly doesnt belong to u,will cost u like $150,000 at least.a car small one at that will be like $50,000.every month the bills they have to pay is like 120% of their pay!!sigh....
wat to do when theres nothing else u can do but to get in line???wat to do when u have to put on ur power suit to feed yourself??get in line???or get out?? -
2003-06-24 - 9:32 a.m.
its getting so much harder each day.jux to get thru the day.i've got no directions nad goals...know not where to go,wat to fucking do.what the fuck m i writing for???
u see the lill' rabbits in your eyes???cute colors,eh??green,blue,purple,all bright and fluffy!!nice.wonder if we can cook them in stews???and pet them in our minds??like a petting zoo 'cept only in our minds..wud they taste like chicken??the dogs follow the smell of meat...and comes to me like a pack of wolves...in the winter fire of my dreams,when i was dancing around the moon. -
2003-07-02 - 2:10 p.m.
i walked down the streets,train-loads of things in my mind.flashin' in my mind's eyes so fast i can't see a thing!so many many many things in my head,but i cant seem to catch any thots to think...
shud i simply stop thinking -
2003-05-12 - 9:47 p.m.
went to chinatown today.wanted to go see the old men selling all the stolen stuff at the back lanes...nothing!!everythings gone,the streets was clean and empty,the only thing that remain was the 2 old barber chairi guess they all left..the place has lose its charm along with all the old people..the street that i grew up on is no longer there.in its place is the new far east square and china square.the grass patch that i used to walk my 3 dogs is some shopping building.the drains that i used to play in are all covered up.the big tree that i almost accidently burnt down is buried under some concrete.NOTHING remains...NOTHING.
so i decide to jux leave that place.walk across the road,and saw this chicken noodle shop that used to be very good.but i remember that it was in a different street.well maybe the goverment shifted them.i still remember the day the goverment tried to evict us out of our home after my auntie refuse to sell it to them.i can still see us standing on the road while they try to seal up the doors to our own home...my auntie with my late dog in her arms,not knowing wat to do.lucky the newspaper ppl came and the goverment act all nice all of a sudden....u know the shit.after i moved away from there(goverment plans for land use)i never felt as attached to a plc so much any more,i haven't stayed in a single plc constantly for more than 2 years in a row in recent years.
anyways i was walking pass the noodle shop, i sat down and order a plate of noodle as my granny would(even tho' i had jux eaten a mushrrom swiss an hour ago).i dun actually wanted to eat.i dun even recall eating that chicken noodle with her but i know we must have.how else would i know that it was supposed to be good.so i sat there,a familiar place yet strange at the same time.the location no longer the same,the noodle no longer the same.but trying very hard to capture wat i felt 20 years ago.i took a bite and knew instanly that the noodle was different,my heart sank.i knew granny was not there anymore.wat was i thinking when i ordered the noodle??that ah ma will be sitting beside me?that ah ma will feed me??that the tall building will all disappear?that my home will be back to where it was??i look up at the stall name,it was the same.took 2 bites to confirm that it was different,got up and walked away.....
i got so much to tell u,ah ma.
will i ever get another chance to?
maybe when i go to where u r now.
or maybe one day,in old chinatown -
2003-06-14 - 11:53 p.m.
haven written for a while....(do i always say that??)today i realise how expensive it is to survive in sg...a small flat that ultimatly doesnt belong to u,will cost u like $150,000 at least.a car small one at that will be like $50,000.every month the bills they have to pay is like 120% of their pay!!sigh....
wat to do when theres nothing else u can do but to get in line???wat to do when u have to put on ur power suit to feed yourself??get in line???or get out?? -
2001-04-21 - 4:48 p.m.
been shitting water for 5 days now....slowly wasting away...i can feel it.think im suffering from super power laxatives.oh wait is laxatives a illness???wateva?
think its that time again!haven had pure untainted blood for a long time now...whos a willing victim here???
working last 2 days.working means alcohol..alcohol + bad diet + turmach tidal waves = wasted...or at least wasting away!not that i feel sad jux feel weak and useless to do anything.. -
2001-04-28 - 6:46 p.m.
broke 3 fingers at work and had 2 gashes so deep i ve done spilts wif them if it wasnt repulsive to see bucketful of blood flowing to waste!!!
here it goes...the left hand has always been unhappy wift the right one...simply becos the rite gets all the attention,rite gets to do stuff,rite gets to grope 1st .....and so on....so its the beautiful contended rite and the jealous ugly leftie!!!!
so when rite went over and place himself on the edge of the metal trapdoor for the damned barrels leftie saw his chance!!!and leftie grab the heavy metal door and slammed it home wif all his might!!!
that u have it siblings rivalry!!!
and that happen on tuesday...i still had to work on wends thurs fri and sat...
if u ever ask why do i write about wat happen on tuesday on a sunday...u are a very dumb asshole!!!! -
2001-08-08 - 3:43 p.m.
long time since i here...too busy working and getting myself into trouble!!i wish i could see it all but alas i'm not god.
too much happened these days i dunno where to start.dreamt of vietnam again 2 nites ago.i was in a nite patrol.every bush looks like it could hide 20 gooks armed to the teeth wif aks ready to make me into the worlds ugliest hornet nest!every stream looks like it has 2000 ninja congs submerged in its murky water.straped wif enuff boooms to blow me to heaven!!!
ah heaven.how sweet thy sound...but how i loathed thee. for there is not a hint of rush,not a whiff of marlboro,not a sip, burning sip of sambuca,not a sight of ase wong in that peace loving place.at least the hippies had mary jane.
works shitty these days.never tot i would ever complain abt bartending but its reaally getting from bad to worst!!!wanna rest my heavy head down and have a rest. a long long rest.. -
2004-02-27 - 1:58 p.m.
i feel so tired today....doing things that i dun want to....i got no idea why or how things shud be done,not putting myself in the work...the $$$ is okie,in fact some say its good. but i never thought i will do things for Money.no passion at all....getting screwed at from all directions,just feel like giving up.and its one month before i can wash my hands from it all if i decide to go.haizz...i wonder if this will last,if it will be better tmr.i m tired,thats all i know,aint got no life.i thot that only happens when i m in the service industry,but seem to me like here in sg,nobody has time for a life unless u sleep 3 hours a day....or is it jux me?
someone help me put me outta my misery.... -
hi rat, been a long time since i read a post from u! Try to see beyong the mundane stuff u need to do and instead try to maybe focus on the objective rather? I can't help u end the misery but i'll crap along with ya on the way yah?
Dun stress so much ....
TX -
2003-05-29 - 9:47 p.m.
been feeling very tired these days...both physically and mentally.no drive or interest to do anything at all.cannot find a reason to get outta bed at all.listening to frank's new york new york.really wish i could jux packup and go.but go where???how???wouldn't it be nice to jux catch a bus and ride for 24hours.to some place where everyone and everything is strange.u go boy!!!well i live in frigging singapore,boy.one end of the country to the other end takes less than 2 hours in heavy traffic.too drained to even write a proper entry.
i think i really need something to boost myself to keep going,to keep biting.i dun wanna be them.
if you cease to be the seeker,you became the sought!!