Hey Doc,
I bought your book three years ago and it has helped me in meeting many
women and evaluating relationships. However, I've always been concerned
that even if a girl has high Interest Level in you, she can still
desire other men. I've had girlfriends who planned on marrying me, yet admitted to talking to or flirting with guys they found attractive.
The most recent example is Krystal. She's a cute girl, but not hot. I introduced myself after seeing her glance at me on the train a couple of times. Within four dates on which we got very romantic, she announced that she loved me. I remembered to remain a Challenge and did not return the "I love you," which is fine with her. Krystal has high interest in me. Her eyes
light up whenever she sees me, she cooks for me, and she gives me
massages. I trust her for the most part because unlike previous
ex-girlfriends, she doesn't actively go to clubs and bars to "dance with
her girlfriends" and meet new men. Additionally, she always lets me
know of her activities.
We've dated for approximately seven months and she plans on marrying me in three years when I'm done with graduate school. However,
it bugs me greatly that I always catch her glancing or staring at other
guys (especially shirtless guys in the summer). How can I take her or
any girl seriously when they still have physical desires for other men,
even when we are at the peak of our relationship and are extremely
happy? Once at a restaurant she stared at a guy sitting behind me for
five minutes, which really ticked me off. She worked on it and didn't do it for a while before resuming her habit again. Should
I accept that humans have multiple desires, or should I get rid of
Krystal? Some girls are not to be trusted, but my intuition tells me she
is deeply attached and in love with me. And I
am aware that there are lots of girls in happy relationships and
marriages who flirt for attention or confirmation of their
attractiveness.
The reason that this is an issue is because I know that if Krystal
looks at an attractive, confident guy, he might approach her, and given
her attraction, something might happen. If I marry her, I don't want it
happening to me!
Chandler - who has his doubts
Hi Chandler,
Let me correct you on something straight out of the gate. If a woman has high Interest Level in you, she CANNOT desire other men. A clinically sane woman does not want other men if she's in love with you. PERIOD. The reason your ex-girlfriends flirted with other guys was because they WEREN'T in love with you. Simple. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Your exes were in love with the three billion other men on the face of the planet."
Now let me get this straight. After only four dates, Krystal declared that she was in love with you? Now think about this logically, pal. How is that possible? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "No way, Jose!" And like the great Doctor Freud once said, "A woman who says she loves you after four dates has a screw loose." And this is the key to why she's looking at all these other men. That said, you were smart to not return the "I love you." It shows you have some common sense and that you are learning a little something.
You don't really trust Krystal for the most part, Chandler. To you Psych majors, you can't trust ANY woman until after six months and NO red flags. Then and only then can you begin to trust her. A woman has to earn your trust. You can't toss trust out like a used tissue. On the other hand, it's good that Krystal is open with you and lets you know about her activities. But like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, "What good is it? She can't stop checking out other dudes."
Krystal's incessant gawking at half-naked guys with six-packs shows that you have a massive problem. If this babe is in love with you and has 95% Interest Level in you, why is she salivating over other guys at all? Let me explain something to you, my friend. When a woman's Interest Level in you is through the roof, you're the most handsome guy on the face of the planet. Just ask Ringo Starr and Keith Richards. Even those muscle-bound guys in Speedos at the beach can't compete with you when her Interest Level is 95%.
And let me explain something else to you. Krystal and you aren't over the moon about being in love. You're the only one who's extremely happy. You're the one who's at the peak of the relationship. Krystal isn't so happy. She's in the valley of the relationship. That's why she can't keep her eyes off other men in various states of undress.
Krsytal only stared at that fellow in the restaurant for five minutes? That's nothing! You're an uptight guy, Chandler! You're too jealous and possessive, that's your problem! But seriously, of course you were ticked off that she dissed you. Who wouldn't be? And when she resumed her habit of staring at other guys after you called her on it, that's when you should have said "Adios, Krsytal!"
Girls don't have multiple desires when they're in love with a man. So you have to get rid of Krystal now. Your intuition is not telling you that Krystal is in love with you - it's your big EGO that's whispering in your ear. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "A man's ego is the devil."
The guys married to the wenches who can't stop flirting because they need confirmation of their attractiveness are miserable. Think about it, Chandler. Is that the way you want to live for the next 40 years? Because her "habit" is only going to get worse.
Even if something never happens between Krystal and another guy, why does she need the attention of complete strangers? The only way you're never going to get burned by Krystal is if you dump her. Forget about marrying her -- are you nuts or something? This girl gets an "F" in LOYALTY and TRUST.
Remember, guys: if she doesn't only have eyes for you, she's out.