Hey Doc,
I ordered "The System" this week but I'm in need of an immediate RX.
I was married for a long time to a nut case, my divorce was very messy,
and a mutual friend introduced me to a Beautiful Woman, Courtney. We
hit it off. Courtney was starting a new business, I agreed to help her
and we began to get together. Then I asked her out. I offered her three
choices: two girly ideas and a Sumo wrestling tournament. She chose Sumo
and I knew I had someone special.
We've had a wonderful time together: fun dates, great trips, intimacy, etc.
Because I wanted to be closer to her, I moved to within a couple miles
of her house, which is 40 miles from where I used to live. It had gotten
to the point that I thought about asking Courtney to marry me in the
next year or so. The only lingering doubts I had were that Courtney
might change her mind about our relationship, how a mixing of families
would work, and our financial situations.
We both have complicated lives. Courtney shares custody of two children, one with special needs, is starting a new business which is eating away at her savings, has been divorced only two years, and has no more alimony. My own business is winding down and I'm looking for my next endeavor, which I would like to start before making a marriage commitment. My kids are older but still need the support of a parent (they don't see or communicate with their mother), and they are with me for school holidays. In addition, I have a nasty alimony situation.
Courtney and I have been in an exclusive relationship for several
months now, but she began to act differently a few weeks ago. I noticed
her holding back and when asked, she said everything was okay. Finally
she admitted that a half a dozen people had asked her when I was going
to propose. (Her first husband had just gotten engaged and her second
husband had just remarried.) I told her that I loved her, planned on always being with her, but needed more time to resolve job and alimony issues.
A couple days later Courtney told me that the commitment issue was
bugging her. She said in a cold, matter-of-fact way, "I didn't think it
would happen, but my heart has closed. It's over." I was dumbfounded. An
argument, a disagreement, an ultimatum, a cooling down period, okay --
but "my heart has closed?"
I believe you when you say that a man has one chance with a woman and
when it's done, it's done. That is probably the case here but I don't
know if Courtney did something she will regret and whether I should
leave the door open. I drafted a letter, which gives me finality. I
wrote about how I cherished the relationship, how hard it is to lose
your lover, best friend and
partner, but acknowledge that once a heart is closed it does not reopen. I conclude with I love you. Should I send it?
Also, I love her kids and they have become attached to me. I don't want to cause them any pain. Coach me, Doc!
Sugar Ray - who's down for the count
Hi Sugar Ray,
Your first mistake with Courtney was mixing business and pleasure. You don't bring friends or lovers into your business, especially in the beginning! This babe is a stranger to you, pal. You don't even know her. And right out of the gate you were way too available.
Your next mistake was giving Courtney a choice about the date you asked her on. You don't give woman choices - you TELL her what you're going to do. You say to her "Here's where we're going and I'll pick you up at eight o'clock." That's it. To you Psych majors, giving a woman choices is weak.
You think that because Courtney chose to watch two huge, fat, nearly naked guys grappling that it makes her special? You think that enjoying 500-pound men trying to force each other off a mat makes her unique? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "Man, you're grabbing at straws!"
If you moved closer to Courtney's house after a couple of years, I could understand it. But you just met this woman. What's wrong with you, Ray? And why were you thinking of asking Courtney to marry you? You're way, way ahead of yourself. Let Courtney ask you to get married. Because it's the WOMAN'S Interest Level that counts, not yours. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "It sounds to me like you're doing all the work." You're helping her out with her business, you're giving her choices for dates, you're moving close to her house - so how is this babe chasing you? Dude, you're the antithesis of Challenge!
If you kept Courtney's Interest Level in the 90s, you wouldn't have to worry about your financial situations, and mixing families and whether she'd change her mind about you. She would overlook all of it if she were really gone over you.
Guy, you don't have enough time in with this woman to be pursuing marriage. Until you get at least two years in with her, you shouldn't even be thinking about it. And if you have a nasty alimony situation, whatever you do, don't tell your new love about it! Don't bring up your ex or get negative about your financial burdens.
That said, with all of her problems, Courtney sounds like a real prize, let me tell you. What you're saying is that she's got all kinds of baggage and she's broke since her alimony ran out. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "Maybe she's doing you a favor by getting rid of you, did you think of that?"
Now here's something you'll learn when you commit my book to memory: when the woman begins to hold back, that means that you're on the way out. And why does she care when you're going to propose? She has a mouth, doesn't she? Why doesn't she propose to you? Why is she bringing up what strangers think and say? Or what her loser exes are doing? And she's a two-time loser at marriage already, so you two are off to a really great start!
When Courtney informed you that her heart had closed, it meant that her Interest Level went from 51% to 49% and you're OUT. IT'S OVER. You should have gotten my book three years ago so you would have anticipated and understood all this - that's where you dropped the ball, cowboy.
Why would Courtney regret what she did when she doesn't care about you? It doesn't make a lick of sense, Ray. People regret things when they like you. Courtney doesn't like you anymore romantically, which means she doesn't regret a thing. Besides, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, "She's already on the lookout for the next guy since her alimony is gone."
The letter you wrote for "finality" is called BEGGING. Begging lowers Interest Level even more. Writing a love letter to someone you're already on the outs with is a waste of time. You ought to think about your own pride, if you have any left. And by the way, you don't say, "I love you" to a woman. So don't send the letter. Throw it in the fireplace and start a fire instead. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "Your fireplace will be warmer than this wench's heart."
Courtney's kids have nothing whatsoever to do with her Interest Level, so forget them. She doesn't care if you cause them pain since she's dumping you, so why should you care?
Remember, guys: once a woman closes her heart, you're finished.