Hey Doc,
I'm really clueless as to what I should do about the situation I'm in.
I was with Kayla for one month plus. We had an okay time, we enjoyed each other's company, and we both said I love you to each other. She was my second girlfriend, while I'm Kayla's first boyfriend. We talked about my ex. Kayla was shocked that I was in a seven-plus-year relationship that I ended not too long ago, but she was able to handle this part of my past and we got closer. She told me that at least we're sharing, which helps to build intimacy.
Well,
the bad news is that I'm actually married to my ex. I recently told
Kayla the truth and that I would be finalizing my divorce in the next
few months. But she's afraid of my emotional baggage and how being
married will affect us in the future. I assured her that it would not
affect me negatively and that I have moved on. I'm confident that I can
have a new relationship that is fruitful and can last. Kayla now says
that she cannot accept the fact that I was married before and she minds
that I started a relationship with her while I was still married. She
feels that she needs time to think and we agreed that it would better
that we remain friends, which kind of sucks. Deep down, I feel that
Kayla is gone.
The
worst part of all this is that we are work colleagues. Kayla is kind of
withdrawn, and I can't stop feeling and looking sad. She does not
initiate any conversation with me. She'll smile and respond if I talk to
her, but it is not spontaneous or enjoyable. It seems that she does not
want to be reminded of me and has stopped using the phone I gave her
too.
I'm at a loss as to what I should do now. I really want Kayla back. Doc, please coach me and give me some hope.
Nils - who feels unfairly treated
Hi Nils,
First off, let me get this straight. After only 30 days you're actually saying, "I love you" to a babe? Dude, -- you're not supposed to ever tell a woman "I love you." It's the antithesis of Challenge. And by the way, from what you're telling me, it's no surprise whatsoever that neither of you have dated much!
Why should Kayla be shocked that you were in a seven-day, or seven-month, or seven-year relationship? What's the big deal? Your soon-to-be ex-wife is already gone, right? The point is this: all of Kayla's professed shock that you're married is just an excuse for low Interest Level. And she was going to mention that low interest in one way or another at some point later anyway. When she said "at least we're sharing," it sounds like Kayla was thinking that she wasn't all that excited about being with you and that she was thinking of something else that could be better - like another man and another relationship!
All of Kayla's concern about you being married is really the second reason she wants to put distance between the two of you. Like I said, she has low interest in you, so she has to concoct some phony rationale for why you can't be together. Even if what you're saying is true - that you have no baggage from your marriage and that you're ready to move on - she's not going to believe you because her interest in you is so weak. To you Psych majors, when a woman has low interest in you, it's going to have a ripple effect. In other words, it's going to affect everything that happens between the two of you.
That said, Kayla's absolutely right that you started a relationship with her while you were still married, kept her in the dark about it, and it was wrong. You should have told her that you'd filed the divorce papers and everything would be wrapped up in 60 days. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "The reality is that you shouldn't date while you're still married." You have to wait until the legal proceedings are completely finished before you start seriously seeing a woman. But of course, like most men, you're rushing everything because you don't know how to be on your own for more than three seconds.
Sadly, Nils, you're on the money -- Kayla is gone. And when you've been dumped, women always hand you that stuff about being "friends," which means absolutely NOTHING. "Let's just be friends" is actually Womanese for "I'm never going to talk to you again for the rest of my life!"
Since you and Kayla are work colleagues, now you'll get to face her every single day. Really cool, Nils! That should be loads of fun! And why are you moping around? Put on a happy face and start hustling other women -- but just make sure you get your divorce papers first, of course!
Your interactions with Kayla from now on are not going to be enjoyable because you withheld information from her - in a sense; you lied to her by omission -- when you went out with her. No wonder she's distant and feels let down. I don't blame her. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Let's face it, man -- you're a liar and a sneak." Women really hate liars and sneaks, Nils.
You gave a woman a phone after going out with her for a month? What are you doing, keeping tabs on her already? You don't have "The System," I can see that, my friend!
Guy, you have absolutely zero hope with this babe. You screwed this up from the very beginning, you made a lot of mistakes, and you don't have my program memorized. When you don't memorize "The System," these are the consequences. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "When you don't know what you're doing, you get to face a girl that you like at work for the rest of your life until one of you quits or she runs off with the boss."
Remember, guys: women don't like dating married men