Hey Doc,
First of all, let me compliment you on your incredible contribution to mankind's
dating skills. I've been an avid follower of "The System" for years now, and
it's paid off massively. I feel I have built a good intuitive understanding of
your principles, and usually can apply them without thinking. Except that now I
find myself in a rather peculiar situation in which I can't really figure out
what to do.
I'm a 30-year old professional in New York, and spent the summer doing a
project in our Paris office. There I met Isabelle, a French colleague who was
on my team. She is a beautiful, extremely smart, very independent woman. She's
also funny and has a Flexible, Giving personality. We spent a lot of time
together and had a great connection. From her body language and overall
behavior I could sense that she liked me as well, so I could have easily asked
her out on a date. However, I knew I'd be back in New York after the summer,
and since I don't believe in long-distance relationships, I didn't ask her out.
The project I did in Paris was successful, and I will be relocating there next
summer. Since I really dig Isabelle and I think we could be a fantastic fit, I
would love to maximize my chances of winning her over then. Obviously, in the
meantime, I'm not going to let my interest in her stop me from dating women in
New York. But I do want to make sure to make her as excited as possible about
the prospect of dating me when I'm back in Paris.
I've been in Paris twice since, and looked up Isabelle on both occasions. I
kept everything light and funny, and it felt like we were on a date (even
though we weren't). We briefly talked about the "special connection" we had and
I said that I enjoyed her company and that maybe one day we could have a great
relationship. I realized afterwards that this was probably very much
anti-Challenge. Did I make a terrible mistake here, Doc?
In a few weeks, Isabelle is coming to New York to visit for a few days, before
flying elsewhere for business. (She suggested the visit herself.) She's staying
for two days, which seems like an awful lot of time to fill. I'm also not sure
how I can come across as a Challenge in this situation. Spending two full days
exclusively with her might make me look too available. On the other hand,
leaving her on her own for extended periods of time knowing that she's in New York
to visit me would be rude. I've thought about asking her to join me for a
dinner party with friends, but that would be like a group date, and I know you
don't like that. Also, should I let her stay at my place (which might look too
eager) or suggest she stay at a hotel (which might seem unwelcoming and even
rude)?
This is such an unusual situation that I don't see how I can best apply "The System" to it. But Isabelle is fantastic, and I don't want to ruin my chances of dating her when I'm full time in Paris.
Ferdy - who wants to apply "The System" all the time
Hi Ferdy,
Let me ask you something.
You're just working a job with Isabelle and you're trying to tell me that in a romantic relationship she's Giving and
Flexible? How would you know? You don't have enough time in with her to
make that judgment. You don't have any time in with this girl at all, really,
and so you don't know anything about her. It's one thing to read Interest
Level, but how could you possibly evaluate what she'd be like in a romantic
relationship? It's not possible. Frankly, it's impossible.
You should have asked Isabelle out on a date when you were in Paris. It might have been the last date you had with her, granted, but it wouldn't have made any difference. If you took her out, like my cousin General Love says, "At least you would have been on her radar." You don't really know where you are with her. Anything you think is just guesswork.
But here's the bigger problem looming ahead of you. If you get something going with Isabelle, you're an American and she's French. And this is potentially a huge obstacle, even if you did happen fall in love with each other. Are you going to move to France? Is Isabelle going to move to America? Why start this up in the first place?
The reality of the situation is that when you went back to Paris, you were on a date with Isabelle. Why are you saying it wasn't a date? And like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Hey man, I hope you kissed her when the date was over!"
When you told Isabelle that you hoped one day the two of you would have a great relationship, you got a big, huge "F" in Challenge. You tell me that you read "The System" and then you went and talked about the future with a babe who's not even an American citizen? You blew it badly here, Ferdy. And one more thing - you came on heavy with her and you two aren't even dating! What were you thinking? So yes, what you did was anti-Challenge, and yes, you did make a huge mistake - times 10!
It's great that you had incoming interest from Isabelle when she invited herself to the Big Apple. But where's it going? What you're really cultivating here is a long-distance relationship. This is a NO-NO. Are you sure you read my book? Unless Isabelle wants to get a green card and move to America, you're frittering away your time. What if your company decides that they don't want you to move to Paris after all? What if Isabelle decides she could never leave France? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, "This is all a big illusion in your mind."
Two days is not a great amount of time to fill when Isabelle gets to New York. You can be a Challenge by NOT talking about the future and how you're going to have the possibility of a long-term relationship like you did before. So keep it light and funny, and don't promise her the store before you know what's happening. Spending only two days in New York with Isabelle will not make you look too available - there's not enough time as long as you keep your mouth shut. It's not like you're spending 10 days together. And besides, she's coming across the Atlantic to see you. Show her New York and have a good time and make her laugh. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "She'll be gone before you know it." And by the way, no group dates. So forget the dinner party.
You're not going to bring up the subject of where Isabelle is staying until she asks where the good hotels are. You don't want her staying at your place because it's much too quick and will destroy all remnants of Challenge. So put Isabelle in a hotel close to your place and leave it that.
This is not an unusual situation at all, Ferdy. It's actually very simple. What you have is a girl from another country who you're going to spend time with and she's going to end up not moving here. When you're done with your work overseas, you'll end up back in America and she'll stay in France and you'll be back to square one.
Remember, guys: if she's not citizen of your country, you're wasting your time.